I am able to stand naked in front of the mirror… it doesn’t feel great but also it doesn’t feel horrible…
I don’t understand how dypshoria feels… sometimes it feels like dysphoria isn’t even real… which makes me so faketrans to be honest… because for you all… of course dysphoria is real… but for me… idk what even counts as dysphoria or how it feels like…
I don’t have any emotions… I’m just kinda numb tbh…
Yesterday I slept in bed half naked… it didn’t really bother me… yes I felt slightly uncomfortable and tried not looking at my hairy chest and tried covering myself with the sheets all the time and all that…
But like… I don’t actually feel dysphoria clearly… physically or mentally… I don’t flinch when called sir or a man or he… it’s just what I am used to honestly…
Facial hair makes me uncomfortable and depressed but I’ve hadn’t shaved until yesterday for two weeks and yes I did feel depressed but I didn’t have a problem touching it or looking into the mirror…
I still felt better once I shaved… like a fog lifted… but that’s not enough… that’s not enough dysphoria to actually justify transition to be honest and mixed with all my mental illness… transitioning seems ludicrous.
Spending my entire 20s transitioning, losing my family, my fertility, my youth, and then failing and not passing and ending up 30y old and lost in life… how is that supposed to be a food plan in the slightest…
When on the contrary I could man up, looksmaxx, try switching majors to guarantee a job later, try getting a girlfriend, marry with 28y old and then just be an actual worthwhile human being instead of an ugly tranny failure at 30 who transitioned because of mentall illness, escapism and no tangible dysphoria.
So… is dysphoria actually real and how does it feel?
i wrote this for a friend to try and help them understand:
- the real reason i’m ‘sad’ is complex and hard to explain, but it’s constant and never ending. i don’t hate what i see in the mirror, the problem is i don’t recognise it. That’s not my reflection, it can’t be, that is my eyes, stuck in the face and the body of a stranger, and i can feel my soul when i see that cage. I don’t hate my body because it isn’t mine, it’s the body of the man that murdered me and took my place, and my soul is forced to pilot him and it feels like real physical agony. It feels like a daily psychosis knowing that the world just sees that killer and think it me, when i’m stuck in there and all i want to do is get out but i can’t. Me, the person i should have been, died before she was even born and i was too late to stop what little might have been left and salvageable from rotting away. So now i’m stuck in this place where transitioning isn’t curative it’s palliative, a few things got slightly better but for the most part ive just stopped things from getting worse, there wasn’t really enough of me left to ever be fixed, to ever not be in pain. I can place my life on hold, miss out on the things normal people have like buying houses and starting family’s to throw money at surgery in the hope of carving his form into something that causes me less suffering, but it will never be me. You can reshape a prison make it as comfortable as you like but it’s still a prison. And every day my soul is trapped in it i feel more and more parts of it die. And it feels like the only way to finally let her be free is to murder him back.
so i just say im sad and change the subject instead*
Well… this isn’t very helpful :/
that’s what dysphoria feels like to me
The first 7 paragraphs, especially “I don’t have any emotions… I’m just kinda numb tbh…” are you dissociating.
because for you all… of course dysphoria is real… but for me… idk what even counts as dysphoria or how it feels like…
We are mostly all trannies on HRT who have stopped dissociating and feel our emotions, so the full brunt of dysphoria is impacting us
Spending my entire 20s transitioning, losing my family, my fertility, my youth, and then failing and not passing and ending up 30y old and lost in life… how is that supposed to be a food plan in the slightest…
This is less of a choice and more of a guarantee of what one must do if they are trans
When on the contrary I could man up, looksmaxx, try switching majors to guarantee a job later, try getting a girlfriend, marry with 28y old and then just be an actual worthwhile human being instead of an ugly tranny failure at 30 who transitioned because of mentall illness, escapism and no tangible dysphoria.
How happy would this make you? Would you feel empty? Have regrets?
How do I know if it would make me happy… I can’t even properly feel stuff now… I can’t know the future… but it seems more likely to make me happy according to everything I know about what makes humans happy… purpose, financial stability, a job, a relationship, structure, social acceptance, a narrative for one’s life…
And the “right path” gives you all of that… you get a job, get money, stay stable, worship God, get married, have children etc… and that seems a lot more straight forward and conducive to happiness than…
Transition, brainworm, study something useless, drop out or get bad grades cause dysphoria, have meaningless sex, no relationship, what’s life even for, shit what will I do once I am 50y old, transition, brainworm, stay a neet, boymood, be discriminated against, make E in a bathtub, go insane etc…
Being trans is not synonymous with 100% failing at life. It makes it harder, but it doesn’t make it impossible by any means. I hate to say this, but the trannies who are failures are just more likely to be on the internet so its probably all you are seeing. Yes you will face discrimination because you are a minority, unfortunately this is an immutable part of who you are.
Hmm… yeah… i guess you’re right…
I am just so obsessed with proving to myself that I am actually trans… obsessed with resolving uncertainty and making no possible mistakes… and I can’t do it anymore because I’m just so numb
I kinda had that too my mother forced me to uhm, live a normal life out of anything spiraling out of control so I’m glad for that. But I’m still numb and unsure about tranny stuff. What if i’m just lying to myself about dysphoria?? Sometimes i feel just okay, i feel like i can live the life of a maid like i always have. But i do think about that bout of dysphoria i had a week ago, did it really come from inside me, or was it caused by demons?
I don’t think demons cause dysphoria… that’s a little silly… you can’t exorcise the trans or gay away… trust me
What do you mean by less of a choice and mode of a guarantee because if that life trajectory is guaranteed then why would one take it… if honeslty it seems so much more miserable than the cis alternative… you all can’t choose cause you actually do have dysphoria but me… look I talk about choosing like I’m trying to maximize for happiness… I am essentially a trannymaxxer
youll just rope if you rep
I don’t have any emotions… I’m just kinda numb tbh…
The answer is yes dear, Yes you have dysphoria,
I’m very excited to hear about the emotional dam breaking for you, for me that has been the most deeply lasting impact of HRT 😌
I hope too… I just wanna feel better
I understand the doubts, I understand the fears, I had them too and that’s natural, but you’re doing the right thing for yourself and I’m proud of you 😌
I spent many weeks as a blubbering mess, just catching up on a lifetimes worth of feeling truly incapable of crying - Swim into those waves dear, you’ll find the waters warm and cleansing 🫶🏻
Just woke up and you’re already at it.
A good way to treat it is to take your pills, if HRT makes you feel better you have it.
Well it was the very first thought I had this morning 😭
Very good, this is a pretty obvious sign of dysphoria. Didn’t I tell you that if you rep trans thoughts are the first thing on your mind in the morning and the last in the evening?
Well… no. This has been like that for monthes and I’m just mentall ill so I probably project all of my issues unto the topic of being trans… for a while… I did the same for monthes with me thinking I was an evil soulless narcisst which turned out to be clinically false (I have BPD) and so I don’t think this is necessarily true… maybe I’m just autistic, depressed and obsessed. Isn’t that also an explanation?
I have the same thoughts and i cured my obsessive bpd, do you think I could be still bpd and I’m lying to myself???
If its persistent beyond reasonable doubt than now… there’s a difference between a couple of months and circumstances and it being persistent across time and different situations.
Yeah zone…
No, obsessing about your sex itself constantly and in a laser-focused manner is pretty much exclusively a symptom of gender dysphoria.
I saw a YouTube video of a non-transphobic autistic guy saying how he questioned his gender very very intensly for 7 monthes and even though he had dysphoria but then it just stopped and he realized he was just fixated.
How long ago was that. What if it comes back later?
So you hope to be the one outlier. And when will you know it? How long do you plan to keep “questioning” before arriving at an answer? Five years? Ten? It’s just repping in disguise.
Why does “repping in disguise” sound so nice… like something one could sing and put in a song…
“I… am repping in disguise… oh repping in disguise… bap bap baraaaaaa… my repping is so very nice… till they put me on the ice… bapara bap bap baaaaaaaaa”
Well… maybe I can’t arrive at an answer… and you’re right… I could either use it to repress or I could go autistic about it… meaning I mentall-health-maxx as much as possible and maximize every aspect of my life until I’m a reasonably happy and functioning adult while also fixing my sexuality through abstinence and while also using spreadsheets to document my sexuality and my gender identity feelings and my sex dysphoria and then after… idk arriving at stability… I will know… “well I’m happy with everything in life but there is still dysphoria” or “nah, everything is fixed… I was just depressed”
But I am not sure I can actually achieve this cause I can’t commit to mental health
Yeah but what if that results from a placebo or just from Estrogen generally making people more empathetic… Men need estrogen too and maybe too many men could use a little bump up of it so sexuality isn’t as loud and so the estrogen stimulates the emotional centers of the brain…
Maybe every cis man would like one singular shot of estrogen to take away some numbness and not feel as horny and allow more emotions…
And maybe every cis woman would like one singular shot of testosterone to take away a little emotional volatility, feel strong and energetic and experience some stronger horniness…
Cis men are not numb and unfeeling. YOU are numb because you are dissociated.
I am numb because I am mentall ill and depressed and have no meaning in life… wouldn’t it then make sense trying to fix all that and then if I still have dysphoria… I know that it’s true dysphoria and I’m actually trans… so why not therapy for like a year and then transition afterwards… to be sure
Saaaaym
Do you think it would be smart for me to transition… did it help you personally?
I’m in the same situation as you, i haven’t transitioned yet… Not sure etc etc you know the whole deal. We can try to figure it out i think…
We definitely should.
I’m genuinely just not really sure how to answer that because when i was in your situation I just transitioned and it turned out to be real.
Lucky you then… but what if it doesn’t for me… I can’t win against uncertainty… and if I take this leap of faith… the price might be to high, the chance of failure is too high… it’s completely unreasonable and insane to do it… for what… being pretty… being a woman… at this point i don’t even know what words even mean anymore…
Wtf is gender… what the fuck is a tree?
Why can’t you just take HRT for a bit and if you don’t like it stop?
Because if I don’t like it… people will just tell me thats dysphoria speaking and to continue… also there is the risk of a placebo effect…
It doesn’t solve the uncertainty problem… like not fully at lest… I guess.
I’d rule out placebo because it usually doesn’t cause improvement that lasts for years.
I don’t think all men or women would like a dose of the dominant hormone of the opposite sex, but some certainly. Because they’re trans.
Okay but I actually do think people might like a shot of the opposite sex hormone cause of the effects it can have… right? Not for too long… not really too much… but enough for women to feel more energy, horniness, stoic… and enough for men to feel more emotions and less horny…
Doesn’t that make sense?
Usually men don’t like it at all when they get fed something that knocks their cock out. Most people would just get dysphoric if they got tranner doses.
I also wouldn’t like it when it stops working down there… would make me worried to be honest…
See… faketrans
Just put some testosterone gel on your princess wand, gurl
(yes, I’m memeing, but you can do that)
Eh okay… first i dont know where to get that stuff from and also i am not sure what the literature says about it and also wouldnt that cause issues with feminisation possibly…
But eh… thanks i guess for the information… (r/mtf Flashbacks) 💀
Hmm… but still how do I avoid the situation of idk… if after six monthes I say… oh no… this feels uncomfortable… I feel bad… then people will just say it’s dysphoria and push me forward… but what if they are wrong?
You can stop oestrogen at any time, unlike testosterone it has very subtle changes, six months is nothing, you would be able to detransition if you felt like it.
Yeah… makes sense… ugh… my brain hates me just so much… yk what I wanted to respond right now… “yeah but what if I develop trans delusion”
tbh , i Just think . Dysphoria Sucks and,Hurts Tha BrainSo much that it, Kinda Just . Numbs Itself 2Shit .Kinda Hard Some Times .
But how do you know you feel something when it takes away your ability to feel something.
Don’t kno, U Seem. 2Not Want2 Be a Moid. Tho, which MeansUr a Troon, Probably .
Also this, Entire post Reads as Dysphoria , But just Being. Numb 2 it in my .HumbleOpinion
You have a very weird way of texting
Yeau .
Dysphoria is real and u have it obv. Otherwise you’d probably not be here.
It’s not obvious to me… I don’t really feel it… yk
Well your probably just dissacosiating. It’ll come back eventually. And it definitely will if you try to do what u said.
That’s not what dissociation clinically means… sorry to be a party pooper but I don’t actually dissociate… I don’t actually leave my mind, get amnesia, changed perception or anything else… numb yeah… that’s the right word… but dissociated… that’s not really the right word… not connected to my emotions… yeah… but idk
Being numb to your emotions despite knowing you should be feeling a different way is changed perception
Yeah but it’s not the same as zooming out of your brain and being unable to move despite wanting to… which as somebody who’s seen that happen with PTSD patients… is what clinically counts as dissociation… not the same as being numb… I am just numb
“Dissociation is a concept which concerns a wide array of experiences, ranging from a mild emotional detachment from the immediate surroundings, to a more severe disconnection from physical and emotional experiences.” - Extended dictionary definition
“a disruption of and/or discontinuity in the normal integration of several key mental functions. This disruption typically affects: (a wide list of things, but notably) Identity, Perception, Emotion” - DSM5
99% of people who are dissociating are able to move…
Hmm… well my psychiatrist used the term differently… but thanks for the reference <3
Why are we so alike, it’s interesting.
Idk but I’m open to talk yk
