This is lowkey me

Yeah…

Neptun hates me now… nothing matters anymore… people just want me to leave

Yes and I am a bad person… I shouldn’t be doing this but I do… I need to leave or take a break but I’m sure the people here will now never not hate me… I messed up again… I am narcissistic asshole…

I don’t even know how to apologize.

By saying, I made a mistake and I don’t want to repeat it. I don’t want to hate you all or myself. And I am deeply sorry…

Like that maybe… idk…

I am sorry… yes do recognize that…

But these are not my thoughts… it’s the shit that’s been drilled into my head for years now… again, I was a literal advocate for just putting everybody into conversion therapy or killing gay people a few years ago… I’m still fucked up in the head…

I’m sorry… I just… sigh… idk

No, I’m not doing it to feel better about myself. I’m not a bully… I say troons are monsters… I’m a troon… ergo I’m a monster… it’s not to feel better… it’s too feel worse…

Then just ban me for a while… just get it all over with… I am fucking sorry for this thing that I am and for how miserable I make others… even Neptune and everbody else is starting to simply hate me… so just ban me… I just dont care anymore… I need a break

No, of course I dont believe any of this… I dont want to believe this… maybe it’s true… but I dont know that… I dont want it to be… but it’s easier to believe that… to hate myself

Yeah but saying “there is never a different explanation than you are a troon” is…

What are your thoughts on my situation?

Because I always respond to people

LMAOOOOO

Why?

I did think that way a couple of months ago, that I would immediately do it… but now… I am not sure… I am very sure I wouldnt and would first want to idk prove to myself that this is the right choice… somehow gain knowledge without experience… think myself to a conclusion first before ever taking a step…

But I am scared of it… and considering how people here can react to people during early transiton feeling uncomfortable… I am scared that I will dislike it and that people will pressure me into continuing to take HRT because they will tell me to “just wait another year” and all these kind of things…

That is a very good point, especially with regards to the fact that this spiraling in circles I have been doing here for the last three months I have been doing on my own in rather desperate ways for a year

I think… I am trying to convince myself… or maybe others… I am not sure… I definelty have felt before like I wanted people to give me permission to be trans… maybe it is similar know… to be quite honest… what I really want is for somebody to take the weight of all of this away but of course nobody can do that… it is kind of horrific… cause no answer makes me feel okay… If somebody says… “you are trans” then I immediately feel that need to voice all kinds of objections and even now after a year of pain, I cannot settle with that statement and that makes me feel uncomfortable… but if somebody also says something like “ok, nevermind, you are cis” then that also gives me a weird and uncomfortable unsatisfied and scared feeling…

I don’t think there is any combination of words I could find that would convince you.

I am not looking for magic words. I really just need somebody to talk with… maybe I also am just extremely desperate for any connection and any bit of love. I just need a hug, God damn it… I just feel like I am falling apart and i just want somebody to tell me what is the right thing here and for that to make sense to my brain but nothing makes any sense.

What do you think is the primary reason I wont just take Estrogen? What do you think is the problem here?

I agree… it seems to me that I also clearly suffer from ROGD and not genuine early-onset gender dysphoria because I literally induced the gender dysphoria into myself on purpose to feel more validated in the idea that I might be trans (which was a cope)…

But for me the brain thing is different… it is like I have a moid brain with foid elements and that after these got activated, I became really depresed again. So deactivating them or whatever… idk what the solution is… but like something has to somehow help me…

Yeah but I think Blanchard is wrong in saying AGPS should transition… I dont want to be AGP… If there is one thing that I dont want to be in the slightest, then it is to be a male who is autosexually fixated, incapable of genuine relational sexuality and connection and who uses sex with other men while feminizing himeself to affirm some artifically constructed cross-sex identity that has resulted as a maladaptive response to lonliness and masculinity trauma. I dont want to be this. Why cant I just be normal instead…

How horrific is it to be something like this… No, I dont want to be AGP!

How would you know what attraction was “genuine” in the first place?

I was always attracted to women per se and their bodies… so clear object choice… but for men it was always how they could make me feel and not men being themselves attractive…

I am not attracted to men the way that gay men are attracted to men but I am actually attracted to women the way straight men are attracted to women. If that’s that’s sense…

Also like onset… I only started to like men after literally consciously getting rid of my disgust response to homosexual sex via exposure. I used to think men kissing was gross… it all started with my best male friend hugging me, me being starved for affection and then me thinking I’m bi…