I am able to stand naked in front of the mirror… it doesn’t feel great but also it doesn’t feel horrible…
I don’t understand how dypshoria feels… sometimes it feels like dysphoria isn’t even real… which makes me so faketrans to be honest… because for you all… of course dysphoria is real… but for me… idk what even counts as dysphoria or how it feels like…
I don’t have any emotions… I’m just kinda numb tbh…
Yesterday I slept in bed half naked… it didn’t really bother me… yes I felt slightly uncomfortable and tried not looking at my hairy chest and tried covering myself with the sheets all the time and all that…
But like… I don’t actually feel dysphoria clearly… physically or mentally… I don’t flinch when called sir or a man or he… it’s just what I am used to honestly…
Facial hair makes me uncomfortable and depressed but I’ve hadn’t shaved until yesterday for two weeks and yes I did feel depressed but I didn’t have a problem touching it or looking into the mirror…
I still felt better once I shaved… like a fog lifted… but that’s not enough… that’s not enough dysphoria to actually justify transition to be honest and mixed with all my mental illness… transitioning seems ludicrous.
Spending my entire 20s transitioning, losing my family, my fertility, my youth, and then failing and not passing and ending up 30y old and lost in life… how is that supposed to be a food plan in the slightest…
When on the contrary I could man up, looksmaxx, try switching majors to guarantee a job later, try getting a girlfriend, marry with 28y old and then just be an actual worthwhile human being instead of an ugly tranny failure at 30 who transitioned because of mentall illness, escapism and no tangible dysphoria.
So… is dysphoria actually real and how does it feel?
So you hope to be the one outlier. And when will you know it? How long do you plan to keep “questioning” before arriving at an answer? Five years? Ten? It’s just repping in disguise.
Why does “repping in disguise” sound so nice… like something one could sing and put in a song…
“I… am repping in disguise… oh repping in disguise… bap bap baraaaaaa… my repping is so very nice… till they put me on the ice… bapara bap bap baaaaaaaaa”
Transformers - reppers in disguise
Hahahahahaha <3
Well… maybe I can’t arrive at an answer… and you’re right… I could either use it to repress or I could go autistic about it… meaning I mentall-health-maxx as much as possible and maximize every aspect of my life until I’m a reasonably happy and functioning adult while also fixing my sexuality through abstinence and while also using spreadsheets to document my sexuality and my gender identity feelings and my sex dysphoria and then after… idk arriving at stability… I will know… “well I’m happy with everything in life but there is still dysphoria” or “nah, everything is fixed… I was just depressed”
But I am not sure I can actually achieve this cause I can’t commit to mental health