I hate the uncertainty. I hate that there’s a chance I’m transitioning because of some disgusting fetish or sexual desire. I hate that no matter how well I embody femininity, my brain might be irrevocably tainted by maleness. If I did some brain scan and it said I had a male brain I would probably kms :(
Sorry it makes me doom so much it just hurts to think about.
I don’t agree with your understanding, but I don’t think this is something to make fun of, it should be taken seriously.
It may seem like there is some risk that by transitioning, you would end up seeing some kind of confirmation that you are some sort of fetishist, as opposed to a real trans woman. What exactly do you think would happen? Like if you got on estrogen, what are you afraid you might see, if you are actually a fetishist? What would be different from taking estrogen as a trans woman?
If I’m actually a fetishist I’m scared that I would just be getting off to being in a female body.
I read the first couple parts of Inside Mari and I got to the autogynephilia scene where Isao-Mari, stares at himself in a mirror and gets very aroused and maturbates just to the idea of being her. And this really terrifies me.
I’m scared that these are my true base desires. That no matter how well I can immitate a female body through transition, I will never be able to escape my male desires and insincts. And if this is true, I’ll never ever be a complete woman. If I had it my way, I would be reborn from the start as a girl so I was never poisoned with maleness.
If you allow this fear of inescapable masculinity to prevent you from even trying to escape, then I believe this is what we would call a self-fulfilling prophecy.
The effects of heavy testosterone exposure on a woman deprived of estrogen can end up making her feel monstrous from what it does to her sexuality. But you are not a monster.
I lived under the spell of tesosterone until I was 37. It is harder to shake off your history the more you allow it to accumulate, but even with as much as I built up, it was possible for me to come out of this and end up a woman. It will be possible for you too.
But I’ve been on e for 4 months and I still have these worries constantly. I don’t think I’ve gotten closer to accepting myself as a woman. I feel more comfortable calling myself a gender-dysphoric man than a trans woman.
It can take some time. Transitions are all so slow, it’d be so much nicer if it could be like, a blip, just done in a quick flash. But this is a whole process. Keep taking your e, and you will continue to see that you are not turning into the type of person you’re afraid of. Are you even seeing any signs that you could be the way you fear? Or is it still just a fear?
I’m not seeing any strong signs since I’ve transitioned. When I was a child and teen I had arousing female embodiment fantasies, but not so much anymore.
Since transitioning I have had some wet dreams that are agp, which made me feel gross and perverted when I woke up. But I’m not sure how dreams work and it could be that the fear of having such a dream is causing the dream to happen.
Mostly it is just a fear that I’m repressing the AGP desires, and if I let them come to the surface it will make my transition unjustifiable. But this could all be an OCD spiral I’m not sure.
It sounds like transition is doing a lot of good for you! I know these fears are powerful, but it’s very encouraging that you are not really seeing any signs that would affirm your fears. I know they’re shitty to have, but if you power thru them, theres a good life on the other side
Thanks Allie. I’ll keep going with my transition, I think I’m happier on e. It’s always lovely to talk with you <3
your name is literally ✿hannah✿ you have a feminine soul😭
Okay but I could be larping a feminine soul how would anybody know? Maybe I just see other people that do have feminine souls and copy what they do but it’s not natural for me cause I have a moid soul
this is so much mental gymnastics girl stop😭
Ok I’m sorry :c
Same…
🫂 e made it a little better I think you should try
In my case, I already accepted that this was the reason I transitioned and I’m already tainted.
I would rather kms than accept that
