I hate the uncertainty. I hate that there’s a chance I’m transitioning because of some disgusting fetish or sexual desire. I hate that no matter how well I embody femininity, my brain might be irrevocably tainted by maleness. If I did some brain scan and it said I had a male brain I would probably kms :(

Sorry it makes me doom so much it just hurts to think about.

  • ✿hannah✿OP
    2·
    5 days ago

    But I’ve been on e for 4 months and I still have these worries constantly. I don’t think I’ve gotten closer to accepting myself as a woman. I feel more comfortable calling myself a gender-dysphoric man than a trans woman.

    • Allie
      3·
      5 days ago

      It can take some time. Transitions are all so slow, it’d be so much nicer if it could be like, a blip, just done in a quick flash. But this is a whole process. Keep taking your e, and you will continue to see that you are not turning into the type of person you’re afraid of. Are you even seeing any signs that you could be the way you fear? Or is it still just a fear?

      • ✿hannah✿OP
        2·
        5 days ago

        I’m not seeing any strong signs since I’ve transitioned. When I was a child and teen I had arousing female embodiment fantasies, but not so much anymore.

        Since transitioning I have had some wet dreams that are agp, which made me feel gross and perverted when I woke up. But I’m not sure how dreams work and it could be that the fear of having such a dream is causing the dream to happen.

        Mostly it is just a fear that I’m repressing the AGP desires, and if I let them come to the surface it will make my transition unjustifiable. But this could all be an OCD spiral I’m not sure.

        • Allie
          3·
          5 days ago

          It sounds like transition is doing a lot of good for you! I know these fears are powerful, but it’s very encouraging that you are not really seeing any signs that would affirm your fears. I know they’re shitty to have, but if you power thru them, theres a good life on the other side

          • ✿hannah✿OP
            2·
            5 days ago

            Thanks Allie. I’ll keep going with my transition, I think I’m happier on e. It’s always lovely to talk with you <3

            • Allie
              3·
              5 days ago

              I’m glad to hear that, it’s good to chat!! Hope you’re able to get some good in for the rest of the day hannah, you deserve it <3