when i was 13, i would fantasize about blasting komm susser tod from my phone speakers and jumping in front of a subway and then hearing the “tumbling down, tumbling down, tumbling doooowwn…” repeat from further and further away as i lay there as a bloody pulp on the subway tracks and everyone’s screaming and staring in horror
I wonder how many people have actually used komm susser tod for this kind of thing. The melancholic vibes are so calming.
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Thank god you didn’t die
i would plan it out, too many times to count.
Komm susser tod seems to attract us. I would also imagine it playing and taking sleeping pills.
I love that song, it’s the one that made me reborn, how i became insane
somehow yeah, i think even when i was idk 7 or 8 (no 67 sorry,) years old
“use to” imploes i ever stopped
Kom susser tod is genuinely the best kind of music for suicide. Every time I get thoughts like this I just play it, and imagine my ego dissolving. My perfect method would be an exit bag while playing this music. I really wish I could experience something like the third impact, would be a nice way to go. But I’m not planning on it in any way soon, I still have a lot of hopefuel, pre HRT.
Please don’t kill yourself. Please stay safe
But sometimes when dysphoria is bad I don’t feel this in a rational way but rather emotional, that’s when it becomes dangerous. But I have methods to cope just like my flawed philosophical perception. I also have hope, and feeling hope is the strongest way to beat despair. But if HRT and ffs won’t work out, I’ll have to find new ways to hope. Still waiting for HRT.
Yeah that makes sense… haven’t started yet?
And I think I may do a loading dose so like a much higher starting dose for it to get into target levels faster.
I don’t know about that… heard a dose thats too high at the start can blunt estrogen receptors
Heard that too. Will have to do more research but I think because of testosterone suppression it won’t go over the target levels. When you look at a graph with a lower dose it slowly builds up before going stable. With a higher one it should just be a faster jumpstart.
Yeah but with a higher one it might idk jump high and then drop or then won’t be as effective with regards to feminization cause the receptors where like “too much too fast, time to downregulate estrogen sensitivity” and that worries me
Waiting for it to arrive, crazy delays and I’m sad. Would already got HRT today, but have to wait 2 more weeks. I hope I won’t masculinize much.
Yeah I understand… honestly I don’t know if I’m being crazy but I feel in the last 3 weeks my ribcage has been getting bigger. I think I’m straight up developing bdd…
You never know. Better to start HRT than rep. Or conpare old photos
Honeslty I think kms is the best option
I’m not planning to, this is just ideation. With nihilistic and deterministic worldview like I have, it is impossible not to feel this way out of rationality, even when extremely happy. I know that suicide won’t ever free me from pain, because it’ll cause pain to others and we live in the same universe. What makes my ego more important than the one of others? The only difference is the frame of reference because that is fundamentally how consciousness works. But what gives value to my perception, if others perceive the same way I do?
Rationalizing suicide with nihilism and determinism is soooooo lame and such a cope like that’s cringe as shit… stop coping and go find joy in life… I am not trying to be mean but being like “God is dead. The future is already written. Time to kms” is such an edgelord take…
Go eat a flower
I can’t escape it, it is literally deeply rooted in my mind, even if I know that most likely I’m not correct about it. It makes sense for me. And I’m not rationalizing suicide, because if nothing mattered then suicide doesn’t as well. I’m using those beliefs both in a way to rationalize and demonize the act itself. I understand that we’re a biological mechanism which carries the innate drive to live, that’s what keeps us living and I can’t deny I feel this way too. Nihilism is just an observation, how you respond to it is a different story. Things like existentialism and absurdism are the way to accept the nihilistic view. I don’t know if the future is known or not, maybe things are not deterministic, but based on our observation I know that we don’t control the atoms in our brain, it is the opposite, random fluctuations control us and give us the illusion of decision. I don’t believe in metaphysics I simply can’t, but it is fun to practice spirituality, most humans need this kind of thing. And I can be happy. My worldview is separate from how I live.
I still think that kind of worldview would make somebody miserable
It used to, but I’ve separated it from my actual life. I try to live as my brian wants me to.
Okay… good for you
Cut song from EoE https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=95yXtt_3D5s
When I was in my teens I would fantasize about killing myself in front of or in a way my mom would discover it first and wanted to write a note that would put all the blame on her (I’m normal i swear)
I have this song everyday in my head. Everyday i wish for a third impact and cry always when i thinking about that. Even now. I can’t anymore. It’s too much. Job market sucks, people sucks, system sucks, capitalism sucks. I can’t breathe in Hitler particles anymore.
And yeah I attempt it so many times but never succed.
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Sadly yes… since I was like 8 years old
I attempted with 15
