when i was 13, i would fantasize about blasting komm susser tod from my phone speakers and jumping in front of a subway and then hearing the “tumbling down, tumbling down, tumbling doooowwn…” repeat from further and further away as i lay there as a bloody pulp on the subway tracks and everyone’s screaming and staring in horror

  • Fuwarei
    2·
    10 days ago

    But sometimes when dysphoria is bad I don’t feel this in a rational way but rather emotional, that’s when it becomes dangerous. But I have methods to cope just like my flawed philosophical perception. I also have hope, and feeling hope is the strongest way to beat despair. But if HRT and ffs won’t work out, I’ll have to find new ways to hope. Still waiting for HRT.

      • Fuwarei
        2·
        10 days ago

        And I think I may do a loading dose so like a much higher starting dose for it to get into target levels faster.

        • DysphoriaGirl
          1·
          10 days ago

          I don’t know about that… heard a dose thats too high at the start can blunt estrogen receptors

          • Fuwarei
            2·
            10 days ago

            Heard that too. Will have to do more research but I think because of testosterone suppression it won’t go over the target levels. When you look at a graph with a lower dose it slowly builds up before going stable. With a higher one it should just be a faster jumpstart.

            • DysphoriaGirl
              1·
              10 days ago

              Yeah but with a higher one it might idk jump high and then drop or then won’t be as effective with regards to feminization cause the receptors where like “too much too fast, time to downregulate estrogen sensitivity” and that worries me

      • Fuwarei
        2·
        10 days ago

        Waiting for it to arrive, crazy delays and I’m sad. Would already got HRT today, but have to wait 2 more weeks. I hope I won’t masculinize much.

        • DysphoriaGirl
          1·
          10 days ago

          Yeah I understand… honestly I don’t know if I’m being crazy but I feel in the last 3 weeks my ribcage has been getting bigger. I think I’m straight up developing bdd…

          • Fuwarei
            2·
            10 days ago

            You never know. Better to start HRT than rep. Or conpare old photos

              • Fuwarei
                2·
                10 days ago

                If you kill yourself you’ll make others more miserable than you’d ever do by transitioning. You’ll also cause pain in the world. A net negative. And I don’t think a god would take it kindly. Would he prefer you to transition and be happy with yourself, or to give up completely? You can only kill yourself once you actually transition and it doesn’t work out, then you’ll know it was justified.

                • DysphoriaGirl
                  1·
                  10 days ago

                  I think my family would rather that I’ve died young than me becoming this. They’ve told me many times. My mother told me many times that she wished I had died. That I’d never have been born.

                  I’m a mistake. Mistakes are corrected

                  Everything just hurts. And it doesn’t end.