when i was 13, i would fantasize about blasting komm susser tod from my phone speakers and jumping in front of a subway and then hearing the “tumbling down, tumbling down, tumbling doooowwn…” repeat from further and further away as i lay there as a bloody pulp on the subway tracks and everyone’s screaming and staring in horror
I’m not planning to, this is just ideation. With nihilistic and deterministic worldview like I have, it is impossible not to feel this way out of rationality, even when extremely happy. I know that suicide won’t ever free me from pain, because it’ll cause pain to others and we live in the same universe. What makes my ego more important than the one of others? The only difference is the frame of reference because that is fundamentally how consciousness works. But what gives value to my perception, if others perceive the same way I do?
Rationalizing suicide with nihilism and determinism is soooooo lame and such a cope like that’s cringe as shit… stop coping and go find joy in life… I am not trying to be mean but being like “God is dead. The future is already written. Time to kms” is such an edgelord take…
Go eat a flower
I can’t escape it, it is literally deeply rooted in my mind, even if I know that most likely I’m not correct about it. It makes sense for me. And I’m not rationalizing suicide, because if nothing mattered then suicide doesn’t as well. I’m using those beliefs both in a way to rationalize and demonize the act itself. I understand that we’re a biological mechanism which carries the innate drive to live, that’s what keeps us living and I can’t deny I feel this way too. Nihilism is just an observation, how you respond to it is a different story. Things like existentialism and absurdism are the way to accept the nihilistic view. I don’t know if the future is known or not, maybe things are not deterministic, but based on our observation I know that we don’t control the atoms in our brain, it is the opposite, random fluctuations control us and give us the illusion of decision. I don’t believe in metaphysics I simply can’t, but it is fun to practice spirituality, most humans need this kind of thing. And I can be happy. My worldview is separate from how I live.
I still think that kind of worldview would make somebody miserable
It used to, but I’ve separated it from my actual life. I try to live as my brian wants me to.
Okay… good for you