it’s driving me nuts
like yeah we’re all mentally ill and delusional trannies who deny nature or whatever, but like
you all do so much cool shit despite all you’ve gone through and suffered, and you keep on going
you all are put in these scenarios where the world is actively against you, yet you persevere and fight out
you all do so much good for others (today u saw someone here say they DIYpilled their brother when he was 11 against their parents’ wishes, which, if necessary, i WISH i could do for my 16 year old sibling who has like a 45% chance of being an ftm repper), and yet you all still act humble on how good of a person you are
how? like how? i wish i could.
and i’m not saying this as a “we can do it!” post or whatever, it actually infuriates me
this is supposed to be loser land and yet i don’t see any losers here but myself. should i leave? what the fuck?
You’re a total sweetheart. I think it prudent to remember that we likely aren’t as impressive as you think we are, and you’re almost certainly more impressive then you think you are. It would certainly be a shame if you left. You’re no more or less a loser then any the rest of us. You have a good, compassionate heart that cares for others. You wish to do what you cannot. This is a heroism in itself. When one cannot fight with their fist, and cannot fight with their voice they must fight with the heart. You are beautiful.
call me at slash em tee eff if you like. But I hold compassion in high regard.
i almost cried reading this, thank you
yeah it’s fucking nuts, everyone here coolness mogs me
I cope by saying they are just neurotypical richshits tho
i am autistic and bpd and. recently have realised i may also have avpd but im not diagnosed with that. diagnosed autistic and bpd tho. im just biologically cool… heh.
Quiet/discouraged BPD is frequently confused with AvPD, just fyi.
like i DEFINITELY have bpd its the avpd im unsure of
i have a mix of quiet bpd and self destructive bpd
Yeah, same actually, I’m a fully internalized BPD’er too. I also generally meet pretty much full-diagnostic criteria for AvPD, and I would’ve been diagnosed with StPD if bipolar 1 with psychotic features didn’t rule that possibility out in the rules of the DSM lol. BPD is the only PD diagnosis that stuck, with “avoidant features” and “schizotypal features” being noted, partially because AvPD was like weirdly more expensive to test?!? But also because AvPD traits could be plausibly explained as part of other issues I had without establishing it as part of my “personality core” being necessary.
Regardless tho, determining what the personality “core” is is largely what gets these PD things to stick as useful frameworks for understanding someone’s case, and in psychiatry it’s most helpful to make fewer diagnoses whenever possible anyways, so in cases where the expression of one PD’s characteristics could be understood as an expression of a different personality core, “xPD with yPD features” is usually prefered to full-blown dual-diagnosis, which is an approach further reinforced in cases where one PD is clearly the more severe one that’ll take precedence in treatment. You could have a borderliner core with avoidant features, which is largely what being discouraged entails anyways.
I don’t say this to discourage entertaining dual-diagnosis tho, it’s just worth considering.
waow this is a lot to consider my therapist never went through any of this with me NGL this is all new
Well, glad I broached the possibility then lol. As you proceed with thinking about these things, keep it at the forefront of your mind that PD’s are “trait-like”, they’re fixed patterns of behavior and thought that stick with you through thick and thin and effect you in just about every aspect of your life. They involve your core motivations, your core fears and triggers, your maladaptive patterns that exist at the absolute root of your character, from which your broader personality branches off from. They’re an omnipresent background noise, and treatment aims at moving them as far into the background as possible, which will never mean removal, tho we certainly try to get as close as possible of course.
If you sometimes “feel not that AvPD today in my self-conception”, but the empty dysregulated BPD-core remains, that could be even more reason to discard AvPD. If you literally always have the self-worth of a AvPD’er, if you can establish that the pattern of feeling worthless and isolating for others benefit to be something that persists at basically all times and is practically unremovable from your self-conception without a lot of hard and intentional work even in your best moments, and the best you can usually ever do is make the thoughts quieter or shed doubt on them, then dual-diagnosis is not only more accurate but more useful (tho, yet again, technically still not “neccessary”. It’s perfectly possible to just note you have avoidant features, and just proceed BPD treatment from there with such considerations factored in).
i get the cope but the insane thing is that the cope is false
the coolness mogging comes from people who have it so bad, it’s the difference between circumstances/environment and coolness level that specifically heightens my respect for all you all in my eyes
Boldness is not what defines how much good a person has done, sure you can do a lot of good once, but doing little bits of good many times ends up with the same result.
Never let goodness and kindness seem like a daunting task, always try and strive to be both, even if you can only do it in the simplest and least meaningful ways possible, because you’re still doing good and kindness that way.
i see, thank you
There is no need to thank me, you should thank yourself for being able to see that
i’m still thanking you regardless
this is such a nice post, thank u. please give urself more credit though, its never too late to find a purpose or passion and given how mch we have to deal with just the fact ur here and alive right now should be cause for celebration
i don’t deal with any issues in my life so why would i celebrate myself? yay i lived another day of doing nothing and not struggling and being supported by all the people who love me and betraying them by trying to become a tranny in secret
if i could do something for all the people who love me or just something cool or impressive in general then maybe i could celebrate me, if i triumphed over great adversity then maybe i could celebrate me
you all are both, i am neither. it’s that simple
I have enough to coolness mog most of my friends, but then I hop on here and people are doing fucking diy orchis like wtf I could never.
i have done nothing of value with my life and will die meaningless
you’re pretty neat
lienvke
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i’m sorry that you had to go through that, and i’m happy you managed to do so much despite it all
nah theres also people like me who are barely alive
we are blessed by the goddess with a spirit of perseverance and strenght, even when all is lost keep going forward, even when its over we can start again.
oh what am i saying its just over, I’m gonna cry a bit
you’ll be fine, i can see it in your replies
call it reply-soulmogging or whatever, but you talk like someone who will be free one day, just as you said
because you have to dump stat things that arent related to shit most people go through, and once you realize the world is a shite place you sort of build a tolerance to shiteness and want to pursue other things entirely.
i don’t know what “stat things” means here sorry i’m kinda stupid
skills, interests, the likes. if you have more time to chase interests due to things being barred or unavailable, people usually do that over just rotting in place, because you feel better knowing and achieving more.
i have none of those three things that’s the thing
and i have every reason and every want to pursue them
and no barriers unlike everyone here
yet i don’t
what exactly is stopping you, by your admission? emotional boundaries, because that can really dampen things starting out, as most interests start by passing, and then forcing yourself to read more. I used to set up aquariums so much that I figured out how to get one running just by sunlight and balancing nutrient introduction, just by learning how to do it. is there anything that has piqued your interest?
i have interests that i gravitate in and out of to where i don’t really wanna do any of them until im not doing any of them, which is when i wanna do them all
and skills i wanna learn that i stop and then immediately hate and stop and then wish i could go back to learning them
and uni classes i wanna put effort into but actively feel like torture putting any modicum of effort into despite my vague interest in the material and how light they are difficulty wise
this extends to comedic extents to me
i consider myself someone who likes video games
ive beaten like 5-7 single player games in the last six years. SEVEN
why? because the act of actually playing through a VIDEO GAME (literal loser activity) is just as much of an accomplishment/task as gaining a new interest or learning a skill
that’s how royally cooked i am
this is even starting to happen for tv shows
a “productive” day for me is when i remember to watch some of the show i promised someone id watch and also maybe play a game for a bit and, if i really wanna stretch it, do a single uni assignment
THAT’S HOW ROYALLY COOKED I AM
then its just effort at this pont, and to sort of make it known, effort is required to change. it really gets to a point to where you get frustrated enough to start putting yourself in a sustainable growth period that slowly accumulates both skill AND the want to pursue it. you have to see that your hate is the only thing keeping you from breaking a barrier, and realize you are keeping yourself in a holding period. its not a bad thing, and its often what people go through in order to start making changes. its not supposed to be fun starting out, especially if you don’t expect it to be.
i am well aware
and the level of frustration i feel to myself continuously grows higher and higher
i simply wish i could put in the effort, the sustained effort like you said, to change
i’ve tried making excuses in the past “oh you’re probably depressed, oh you probably have adhd/autism, oh this or that” but they’re never gonna make anything change
the singular rope that dangles me over the pit of suicide yet also keeps me from falling in is my hope that i can someday put in the effort to change, and that i am always in control
dw i’m a fucking loser
I think people share the most notable moments of their lives to others online. Then, we compare our everyday experiences to others’ highlight reels.
i completely understand that, but there’s two issues with that
a. people here also share their worst moments/issues
b. i’m comparing my own “highlight reels” to this
it’s the fact that people have so much worse “a” than me and that these same people have so much (self-made) better “b” than me
and the thing is, what i consider “better than me” is probably way different than what you’re probably guessing. if someone lives on their own or has a job or is (in some way) an independent human, then i consider them as having highs better than mine
to be human is to struggle and come out on top, and i don’t do either. that’s kinda the gist of it
most of us arent anything special trust, we just rot inside our rooms all day long ever since we were born and we only “talk” like we are cool at least thats what i do.
im alive because i dont want to make my parents and friends sad
realistically, i dont think i ever have a chance of going stealth because im too fucked up in the head and you have to be a sneed to integrate successfully as a cis woman which i find impossible to do, so im just living here i guess, a wolf amongst sheep with 0 trannies around
lastly, im not even counting for love because i dont think its actually a thing, no one ever actually had a crush on me or hinted at it and with me being some fat troon the chances decrease even more so yeah lol my goal is just getting through this so called “life” of mine to satisfy my parents
the way the world perceives you should be independent of your self-worth, but unfortunately this condition prevents that for being the case for us :(
and, when you can’t live for yourself, there is nothing morally wrong with living for the sake of others, it’s caring in its own way (even though it actively feels painful, i’m saying that bc i do the same)
having a biological body is such a downgrade because of this shit like i wish i was some instance in a computer network that could travel around and stuff and like have a digital body that can look like anything you want
yeah its not morally wrong but i usually hide the fact because my parents care a lot about me despite having their own issues and if they knew they’d get a heart attack
also normally im not such a doomer about my life because sometimes it can be enjoyable its just being forced to boymode for years does this shit to my psyche and fucks me up you know, i hope its fixable
for the first paragraph, YES PLEASE
for the second paragraph, you are the first person i’ve seen in this community who’s situation with their parents is nearly the same as mine wow
for the third paragraph, i get what you’re saying too, im prolly gonna be manmoding for years to come as well so i hope ill be able to manage
yeah well, good luck. it gets harder and harder the more you do it
thanks nona youre so nice :) my mom said something similar to this and it made my day
your mom speaks the truth
dont worry we can be losers together :)
