it’s driving me nuts
like yeah we’re all mentally ill and delusional trannies who deny nature or whatever, but like
you all do so much cool shit despite all you’ve gone through and suffered, and you keep on going
you all are put in these scenarios where the world is actively against you, yet you persevere and fight out
you all do so much good for others (today u saw someone here say they DIYpilled their brother when he was 11 against their parents’ wishes, which, if necessary, i WISH i could do for my 16 year old sibling who has like a 45% chance of being an ftm repper), and yet you all still act humble on how good of a person you are
how? like how? i wish i could.
and i’m not saying this as a “we can do it!” post or whatever, it actually infuriates me
this is supposed to be loser land and yet i don’t see any losers here but myself. should i leave? what the fuck?
i have interests that i gravitate in and out of to where i don’t really wanna do any of them until im not doing any of them, which is when i wanna do them all
and skills i wanna learn that i stop and then immediately hate and stop and then wish i could go back to learning them
and uni classes i wanna put effort into but actively feel like torture putting any modicum of effort into despite my vague interest in the material and how light they are difficulty wise
this extends to comedic extents to me
i consider myself someone who likes video games
ive beaten like 5-7 single player games in the last six years. SEVEN
why? because the act of actually playing through a VIDEO GAME (literal loser activity) is just as much of an accomplishment/task as gaining a new interest or learning a skill
that’s how royally cooked i am
this is even starting to happen for tv shows
a “productive” day for me is when i remember to watch some of the show i promised someone id watch and also maybe play a game for a bit and, if i really wanna stretch it, do a single uni assignment
THAT’S HOW ROYALLY COOKED I AM
then its just effort at this pont, and to sort of make it known, effort is required to change. it really gets to a point to where you get frustrated enough to start putting yourself in a sustainable growth period that slowly accumulates both skill AND the want to pursue it. you have to see that your hate is the only thing keeping you from breaking a barrier, and realize you are keeping yourself in a holding period. its not a bad thing, and its often what people go through in order to start making changes. its not supposed to be fun starting out, especially if you don’t expect it to be.
i am well aware
and the level of frustration i feel to myself continuously grows higher and higher
i simply wish i could put in the effort, the sustained effort like you said, to change
i’ve tried making excuses in the past “oh you’re probably depressed, oh you probably have adhd/autism, oh this or that” but they’re never gonna make anything change
the singular rope that dangles me over the pit of suicide yet also keeps me from falling in is my hope that i can someday put in the effort to change, and that i am always in control
first step for everything is awareness i suppose. i believe in you though, because you wouldn’t want different if you didn’t crave it. you got this! (•̀ᴗ•́ )و
thank you