Please, if you have any genuine advice. I would appreciate it greatly.
<A small warning to ensure nothing here makes anybody spiral. Be safe out there, and love yourself.>
I will not lie. My CPTSD/PTSD has been getting more and more severe. I see visions throughout the day, and even has a rare enactment terror where somebody on the floor below came to check on me. They found me squirming on my rug after a fall, clearly in a different world. I don’t know if I can get over this alone. My country has one of the highest child soldier amounts in the world. I was one, while I didn’t do too much fighting. I wasn’t one of the children who wore a bomb vest, because I was tall and not as fanatic as some other children. It has led me to a lot of mental anguish. I am almost entirely sure I have killed people. whether through getting them killed through my own stupidity or at my own hands. I have intense survivors guilt. I feel like at any moment, I could kill myself. Not even just out of intense despair. Just because I feel like I’ve done all the good I can, and I don’t really think of it after that. The nightmares have begun to happen every night now. They are vivid. Agonizingly so. An endless recollection of all my worst moments, forever. It’s not sustainable. I must get help, so I will probably see a therapist and get medication for the first time in my life of my own will. This post doesn’t really have anything to do with being a tranny, sorry. I’m just tired of looking at my journals. If any god will listen, I am sorry for killing them. Please let me sleep.
<Second verse same as the first.>
If anyone has a similar experience, please help me on how to cope. All my life has been dominated by “no time to think about X, I’ve got X to do.” Raising my brother, helping him troon, getting into a great university. Making friends and traveling the world. Fixing my body. I’ve done all the X. Now all that’s left is me and my head. I’m terrified to death of my own head. I hate my head, it has made me a coward and a weakling.
You are the best person I know on here, and have done so much for me and other people. Everyone here I can 100% say has your back even if they don’t have the answers you need. You have a very strong will and a very large heart, so I believe you can make it through this incredibly challenging and difficult time. Most of the time advice is but simple padding, but being understood or at least seen by others is the key to weathering this storm. You will always have a place to vent or even ask for help with me, not because I owe you, but because you deserve to have the same help you willingly give to others, and I cannot stand by seeing you at your lowest. You are not a weakling. You are one of the toughest people I know. You are everything I look up to in a person, even if you believe your flaws and actions have tarnished your life forever. I really hope you are somewhere you can be getting help, or have someone close to you that can give you companionship or even comfort. Please, if you need to, I can be a shoulder to cry on. :(
While my ptsd isn’t as severe as yours, immediate grounding like noting surroundings (only works if you’re not in a flashback), or having something that causes a cold shock like a cold shower, ice pack, or squeezing ice cubes helps me ground myself. I usually feel a weird headspace coming that makes me rush towards something like hiding under heavy blankets (which helps me feel covered or safe) or into the arms of someone I trust, even if it’s a call. It really may not be enough because it sounds extremely severe, but it’s what helps me through the stress hallucinations or the massive spike in anxiety and resulting heart aches.
This is all very kind and appreciated advice. I will begin to try to apply these in my life in the future. Thank you for reading and showing such kindness and compassion.
Again, I’m really rooting for you. I’d hate to see you without help in a time of need. I hope you can get to a point where you feel so much more comfortable with yourself. ❤️
I really don’t know how medication plays into it but if the stuff gets really bad you may have to go to a psychiatrist (and maybe talk to a therapist) in order to reconcile your past and flashbacks/nightmares. I really hope you can get through this…
This is very kind. Thank you.
I do not know advice to help with nightmares and such… likely therapy… but I want to let you know I love you very much and I think you are a good person… and you are very special and I like you so so much and I care about you alot
Im sorry, i really have no knowledge i could use to help u about this situation. Hope you will find someone skilful who will provide you the help you need.
It might not be what you are looking for, but we love you for sure. My dms will always be open if you need.
Take care
i hope therapy and your journey in general goes well. if anyone here deserves to be happy, its you
I’ve heard emdr therapy helps with ptsd. Personally lucid dreaming somewhat helps with nightmares. Morally you have done nothing wrong
I love you friend, I wish I could hold you right now and let you feel that love.
What happened to you was evil plain and simple, evil has no reason and no rhyme, evil seeks to consume all that it touches, seeks to poison and blight the good in this world.
I have seen your heart on display, I do not see any evil in you, I now understand the scarring that heart displays, and friend if I could share a piece of mine to heal yours I would.
You had something taken away from you by force, a very beautiful thing, and yet because of who you really are, you have filled that void with fresh flowers of care, of love, of thoughtfulness and selflessness and built atop that scarring a new beauty.
I wish I could give you back the childhood you deserved, to eat your pain even if just for one day-
I love you friend, I’m glad that you are seeking help, that’s not an easy step, I have had far too intimate a relationship with the thought of my own death to ever pretend to deny somebody the final investiture of their autonomy- the freedom to ‘not’ be.
But I for one know that my life would have less light, and less warmth within it were you not on the other side of my phone screen, and so I am sure there are others in your life that would know that darkening in your absence; But don’t do it for me or them, do it for your future, do it for that day- far off though it may be, when you set your table with love- and those you set it for feel full of your love in body and spirit.
I love you friend, this may be improper, but may I know your name- your true name, the name of the woman I’ve admired for these past few months? So that if you do decide to leave, I can hold your name forever in my heart ?
I’m Taylor.
Thank you. I don’t have any words for my gratitude for this. I’ll be writing it down in my records, if you don’t mind. You are an incredibly kind and lovely woman, and I’m grateful just to have seen your musings and writings. Let alone being addressed by you. Thank you, truly. The truth is, I don’t have a name. I never really picked one. I’ve never really thought about it, I suppose. But thank you. I won’t forget your name.
:(🫂
Pat… I believe that if a kind God exists… he would not look at you with anger and forgive the wrong that happened… you were a child in a world of monsters but youre not a monster… youre one of the best people here that i know… all I can do is hope that you will find help and healing and pray for you 🫂🫂🫂
