Please, if you have any genuine advice. I would appreciate it greatly.
<A small warning to ensure nothing here makes anybody spiral. Be safe out there, and love yourself.>
I will not lie. My CPTSD/PTSD has been getting more and more severe. I see visions throughout the day, and even has a rare enactment terror where somebody on the floor below came to check on me. They found me squirming on my rug after a fall, clearly in a different world. I don’t know if I can get over this alone. My country has one of the highest child soldier amounts in the world. I was one, while I didn’t do too much fighting. I wasn’t one of the children who wore a bomb vest, because I was tall and not as fanatic as some other children. It has led me to a lot of mental anguish. I am almost entirely sure I have killed people. whether through getting them killed through my own stupidity or at my own hands. I have intense survivors guilt. I feel like at any moment, I could kill myself. Not even just out of intense despair. Just because I feel like I’ve done all the good I can, and I don’t really think of it after that. The nightmares have begun to happen every night now. They are vivid. Agonizingly so. An endless recollection of all my worst moments, forever. It’s not sustainable. I must get help, so I will probably see a therapist and get medication for the first time in my life of my own will. This post doesn’t really have anything to do with being a tranny, sorry. I’m just tired of looking at my journals. If any god will listen, I am sorry for killing them. Please let me sleep.
You are the best person I know on here, and have done so much for me and other people. Everyone here I can 100% say has your back even if they don’t have the answers you need. You have a very strong will and a very large heart, so I believe you can make it through this incredibly challenging and difficult time. Most of the time advice is but simple padding, but being understood or at least seen by others is the key to weathering this storm. You will always have a place to vent or even ask for help with me, not because I owe you, but because you deserve to have the same help you willingly give to others, and I cannot stand by seeing you at your lowest. You are not a weakling. You are one of the toughest people I know. You are everything I look up to in a person, even if you believe your flaws and actions have tarnished your life forever. I really hope you are somewhere you can be getting help, or have someone close to you that can give you companionship or even comfort. Please, if you need to, I can be a shoulder to cry on. :(
While my ptsd isn’t as severe as yours, immediate grounding like noting surroundings (only works if you’re not in a flashback), or having something that causes a cold shock like a cold shower, ice pack, or squeezing ice cubes helps me ground myself. I usually feel a weird headspace coming that makes me rush towards something like hiding under heavy blankets (which helps me feel covered or safe) or into the arms of someone I trust, even if it’s a call. It really may not be enough because it sounds extremely severe, but it’s what helps me through the stress hallucinations or the massive spike in anxiety and resulting heart aches.
This is all very kind and appreciated advice. I will begin to try to apply these in my life in the future. Thank you for reading and showing such kindness and compassion.
Again, I’m really rooting for you. I’d hate to see you without help in a time of need. I hope you can get to a point where you feel so much more comfortable with yourself. ❤️
I really don’t know how medication plays into it but if the stuff gets really bad you may have to go to a psychiatrist (and maybe talk to a therapist) in order to reconcile your past and flashbacks/nightmares. I really hope you can get through this…
This is very kind. Thank you.