I will not lie. My CPTSD/PTSD has been getting more and more severe. I see visions throughout the day, and even has a rare enactment terror where somebody on the floor below came to check on me. They found me squirming on my rug after a fall, clearly in a different world. I don’t know if I can get over this alone. My country has one of the highest child soldier amounts in the world. I was one, while I didn’t do too much fighting. I wasn’t one of the children who wore a bomb vest, because I was tall and not as fanatic as some other children. It has led me to a lot of mental anguish. I am almost entirely sure I have killed people. whether through getting them killed through my own stupidity or at my own hands. I have intense survivors guilt. I feel like at any moment, I could kill myself. Not even just out of intense despair. Just because I feel like I’ve done all the good I can, and I don’t really think of it after that. The nightmares have begun to happen every night now. They are vivid. Agonizingly so. An endless recollection of all my worst moments, forever. It’s not sustainable. I must get help, so I will probably see a therapist and get medication for the first time in my life of my own will. This post doesn’t really have anything to do with being a tranny, sorry. I’m just tired of looking at my journals. If any god will listen, I am sorry for killing them. Please let me sleep.