Please, if you have any genuine advice. I would appreciate it greatly.
<A small warning to ensure nothing here makes anybody spiral. Be safe out there, and love yourself.>
I will not lie. My CPTSD/PTSD has been getting more and more severe. I see visions throughout the day, and even has a rare enactment terror where somebody on the floor below came to check on me. They found me squirming on my rug after a fall, clearly in a different world. I don’t know if I can get over this alone. My country has one of the highest child soldier amounts in the world. I was one, while I didn’t do too much fighting. I wasn’t one of the children who wore a bomb vest, because I was tall and not as fanatic as some other children. It has led me to a lot of mental anguish. I am almost entirely sure I have killed people. whether through getting them killed through my own stupidity or at my own hands. I have intense survivors guilt. I feel like at any moment, I could kill myself. Not even just out of intense despair. Just because I feel like I’ve done all the good I can, and I don’t really think of it after that. The nightmares have begun to happen every night now. They are vivid. Agonizingly so. An endless recollection of all my worst moments, forever. It’s not sustainable. I must get help, so I will probably see a therapist and get medication for the first time in my life of my own will. This post doesn’t really have anything to do with being a tranny, sorry. I’m just tired of looking at my journals. If any god will listen, I am sorry for killing them. Please let me sleep.
I love you friend, I wish I could hold you right now and let you feel that love.
What happened to you was evil plain and simple, evil has no reason and no rhyme, evil seeks to consume all that it touches, seeks to poison and blight the good in this world.
I have seen your heart on display, I do not see any evil in you, I now understand the scarring that heart displays, and friend if I could share a piece of mine to heal yours I would.
You had something taken away from you by force, a very beautiful thing, and yet because of who you really are, you have filled that void with fresh flowers of care, of love, of thoughtfulness and selflessness and built atop that scarring a new beauty.
I wish I could give you back the childhood you deserved, to eat your pain even if just for one day-
I love you friend, I’m glad that you are seeking help, that’s not an easy step, I have had far too intimate a relationship with the thought of my own death to ever pretend to deny somebody the final investiture of their autonomy- the freedom to ‘not’ be.
But I for one know that my life would have less light, and less warmth within it were you not on the other side of my phone screen, and so I am sure there are others in your life that would know that darkening in your absence; But don’t do it for me or them, do it for your future, do it for that day- far off though it may be, when you set your table with love- and those you set it for feel full of your love in body and spirit.
I love you friend, this may be improper, but may I know your name- your true name, the name of the woman I’ve admired for these past few months? So that if you do decide to leave, I can hold your name forever in my heart ?
I’m Taylor.
Thank you. I don’t have any words for my gratitude for this. I’ll be writing it down in my records, if you don’t mind. You are an incredibly kind and lovely woman, and I’m grateful just to have seen your musings and writings. Let alone being addressed by you. Thank you, truly. The truth is, I don’t have a name. I never really picked one. I’ve never really thought about it, I suppose. But thank you. I won’t forget your name.