This sharp pain that I’m feeling, radiating from my heart to my arms, the anguish, the unease, the desire to escape it. I feel it on a daily basis. Yet it never gets easier to process. I understand that it’ll never end. How do I accept it? How do I accept it as a part of my existance? Each episode puts me one step closer towards my death. It’s just the matter of time before that happens. A time will come when my suffering will be so unbearable that I’ll chose the easy way out. I can’t depend on my transition entirely. It could always fail. What then?

  • Shad
    4·
    14 hours ago

    That’s the tricky part. You can’t unless you transition in every way meaningful for you

    • FuwareiOP
      1·
      14 hours ago

      What if I do and it fails? I really have to endure it for 2 more years… But what if it doesn’t get any better and I’ll need ffs? Next (undefined) years pass. Am I really going to survive waiting? What if that time never comes?

  • Allie
    1·
    14 hours ago

    I don’t know how possible it is to become immune, but I use a few strategies for neutralizing them when they happen. One of my favorites is, when I’m on a train of thought like this, I’ll imagine myself reading it in a book, and then I imagine myself closing the book, and putting it on the shelf with the other books, and maybe I’ll even imagine myself reading a different book to try to really extend the break. It can also help to try to recognize if there are specific triggers and working to avoid them

    • FuwareiOP
      2·
      14 hours ago

      Idk I feel like it might just come back after a second if I did that. I usually distract myself a lot. Usually with music that reflects my emotions, or by playing video games or watching YouTube. Well I’m basically a YouTube junkie. All I do all day is just consume.

      • Allie
        1·
        14 hours ago

        It’s weird, but I feel like when I engage with those kinds of distractions, my brain treats it as though I’m drowning something out, and it doesn’t recognize it as a true break. But this kind of exercise feels like a genuine interruption for me. I dunno, it might just happen to be especially compatible with my brand of mental illness, but I think it’s still worth a try to do something like this.

        But also, it may help to change your habits, and spend time producing something, making something that allows you to express yourself as a woman. I know this may sound corny, but creating something can be a way to express your mind in the physical world, separate from your body. And you are a woman in your mind. So this can be a way for her to come out before the HRT has done its work

        • FuwareiOP
          2·
          13 hours ago

          I know that I like to create things, and I sometimes do. But I’m so addicted to constant stimulation that I can’t even force myself to do some work. I’d like to make some art. The problem is I like too many things at once so I end up being medicore at all of them. I also should try doing makeup.

          • Allie
            1·
            12 hours ago

            You gotta give yourself permission to make mediocre work! You kinda have to make that stuff, like the mediocre creations are what stand between you and the good ones, and the only way to get there is to make them. You should do it!