I don’t know how to fix my subconscious and I do think I’ve hurt her more than she would say or realize right now :/ an apology doesn’t do much when I have proven something awful about my view of her. I’m the only person who can know whether I view her the right way or if there’s something wrong with my perception. I think there’s something wrong, even if I’ll deny it. I cannot be certain and if I try I’ll fail because I have OCD. There is truly never a time that I am not at odds with my mind
I worry about this constantly even though it’s never happened and probably never will… probably just OCD but the thought always scares me.
You misspoke, it doesn’t mean there is something bad in you or some subconscious view being revealed. I have misspoken before in a way that hurt someone dear to me, but I apologized, and I demonstrated that it did not reflect what was in my heart. You will be able to demonstrate through your love that you see her as a woman.
Thank you, I need to do this I think… the most selfish thing for me to do would be to just spiral down into a pit for something that I DID WRONG… I just have to take accountability for what happened and take the most difficult option which is continuing through things while knowing I still need to prove this… it’s hard because I will never be able to prove it to myself… and so I can only prove it to her, but I don’t know if it’s okay for me to trust her believing me… I worry she will stay with me even when she shouldn’t… I just have a lot of responsibility but I will try to take it
It is clear that you care very deeply, and this can make it so hard to fall short of the expectations that you have for yourself. But people make mistakes. What’s important is that you continue to wield this care and continue aiming to be the best that you can for her. It’s a powerful thing to have, and it will carry you both far.
i mix up pronouns for cis people sometimes. i have a huge family, it just kinda comes out. i dont worry much about it. the ONLY thing about having trans friends is that we are so sensitive about it, sadly. i’d say maybe apologize and own up, give it a short time to cool, then do something or make her something casual that says ‘i see you as your gender’ without being too overt. something you know she likes and makes her feel like herself, maybe. like for example i used to send my friend masculine outfits he might like and go ‘hey this reminded me of you’.
I could give an excuse, but truth is, there isn’t an excuse, or at least, I wouldn’t want to be the kind of person who would excuse myself for doing this. I don’t think an excuse makes it okay
