I don’t know how to fix my subconscious and I do think I’ve hurt her more than she would say or realize right now :/ an apology doesn’t do much when I have proven something awful about my view of her. I’m the only person who can know whether I view her the right way or if there’s something wrong with my perception. I think there’s something wrong, even if I’ll deny it. I cannot be certain and if I try I’ll fail because I have OCD. There is truly never a time that I am not at odds with my mind
It is clear that you care very deeply, and this can make it so hard to fall short of the expectations that you have for yourself. But people make mistakes. What’s important is that you continue to wield this care and continue aiming to be the best that you can for her. It’s a powerful thing to have, and it will carry you both far.