Being a stealth passoid (if I dare call myself that) is a very lonely isolating life… I barely ever get to talk about my issues or my traumas because they’re so deeply tied being trans. Whenever I do get to talk about I’m always hyper aware of what audience I’m speaking with… it feels like no matter if they’re cis or trans I get judged for having problems and opinions
Cissies never truly understood what it’s like to be trans, it feels like this almost always a decision with them, they don’t see how deep the scar is, they only see the healed scab of where the wound was. But underneath is a festering pile of rot that keeps growing that keeps demanding attention but whenever I try bring it up, it’s always my fault for trying to heal over the wound, instead of seeing how my childhood brain was maladaptive to do it in any other way
Other trans people always feel like a coin flip, or a time bomb… yes often I can relate and talk about my issues… but it always comes with a layer of pain and fear… because sooner or later one of us will snap, we’re all constantly in danger of losing ourselves and shattering… being a passoid here sucks especially so, because often the one snapping isn’t you… your existence is a source of anguish to other trannies, because you lucked out, you got more than they did, they desire what you have, and you got “blessed” to live your life as a woman… at the cost of your friends… they didn’t get so lucky, and even if you have similar if not worse dysphoria… they will always see you as having privilege… a “gift” that isolates you, as they congregate in circles where the damages that being stealth can do is diminished and passing romanticized. And passing is awesome, don’t get me wrong and it can be everything… it’s just also very very damaging…
Meanwhile as a passing trans women these problem are compounded by mysogeny as you’re having this problems of having opinion and emotions and insecurities, you’re told to be quite, to suck it up and be a good housewifely woman, whose only opinion is what to cook for today or what pillow cushions to buy… because women can’t have insecurities, they are but malformed versions of what a man is… dumber… weaker… less important… leave bitch while the men are talking… and then when they see insecurity, it’s actually hysteria… because you’re too underdeveloped to have reason like the men do
Also while all this is happening BDD is acting like a Disco Elysium skill whispering sweat lies that you’re actually still a man, everyone can see it, who are you to call yourself a passoid, you sick perverted moid, what gave you the right, passoids know they’re passoids because everyone treats them like women, and they’re doing so much better than you, you r/4tran4 browsing fag, eternal twinkhon, never to truly enter cis society like real passoids
I’m sorry I had to voice this… some way… some how… thanks for reading my… penance…
I get why u were ignored tbh,
I do get it, it’s why I wanted to make the post is… I think I know why I’m getting ignored, it just makes me feel lonely that I am… like I wanted to as scream as confidently as I can that I don’t blame y’all for ignoring me, I’m just left alone in the world afterwards through no choice of mine
Putting gift and blessing in quotation mark is a crazy work. I more or less pass and no way would I consider it a “gift”, I still remember being harassed and people taking photos of me in public, as well as being afraid of every man I saw outside. You being a stealth passoid is a blessing and a gift, no quotation marks.
Non-passing trans women too not have friends or community, they are not understood by cis people, but they also have being misgendered everyday and risking hatecrime just for existing attached.
Yeah, but they are more accepted in trans spaces online from my experience, because it is often taken as a given in those spaces that you’re kinda clocky and maybe a glowie… I do think that r/mtf(or r/ftm) and/or r/4r4 represent the wider gamet of trans spaces, and falling in between the cracks of the two is what causes the isolation…
A lot of passoids are hated for bragging or being defensive of being a passoid. You can easily post about dysphoria, being lonely or any mental problems you have without ever mentioning being a passoid.
Not really, my dysphoria and paranoia are like hugging each other in a cuddle square… the reason I have dysphoria is because of paranoia of not passing and the reason I have paranoia of not passing is because dysphoria is telling me I don’t pass…
I don’t really get it. So you seek affirmation online for it? I already told you multiple times, there is no way to fully gauge your passing level on photos. You just can’t, because you can’t capture the way you behave irl on photos. Posting more and more, and more, and more photos won’t change it. Being affirmed a dozen times won’t change it.
Is that your only reason to interact with trans communities?
… to not feel crippling alone is my reason… to not want to jump of the nearest bridge because nobody will miss me, because I’m suffering but in a way that hurts people, and so I should stop suffering, but I can’t and it makes me hurt so much more… I don’t seek affirmation, I seek guidance, I seek permission to be allowed to feel happy about my body, I seek help for issues that arose because my parents refused to raise a trans kid and gave me complexes and insecurities that leave me shattered and alone, and when I ask for guidance I come off as insensitive, privileged and lucky, and I see them being hurt because they wish they had what I have, but I’m unable to control or share in the wealth… I’m unable to promise them the same luck, I’m unable to heal myself, and therefore give them more insecurities…
A lot of it can be addressed in any trans community, if you paint it in the correct light. You tried to paint your passing as something negative, something that you think is not as worth it, as other people seem to value it. This is a wrong way to do it. You could’ve easily spoke about feeling isolated and alone without putting such a focus on you being a stealth passoid.
People sympathized with your trauma, with your upbringing, with the way your parents mistreated you. You don’t need to be a hon to post about it. There are passoids with horrific lives, and people sympathize with them. But they won’t sympathize if you paint your passing as something insignificant. Because there as many non-passing trans women who went through horrific past and don’t have passing to offset it.
Passing doesn’t mean your dysphoria has healed, and your life is full of rainbows and butterflies. But it is a privilege, which many people don’t possess, so you have to be sensitive about it.
I didn’t paint it as insignificant, and I didn’t mean to paint it as insignificant, I think I made it too easily skimmed in the post but it’s not insignificant. I am hyper aware of how privileged my level of passing makes me, and it’s part of the object causing me to isolate and feel lonely… I feel that I as an attractive least mostly passing luckshit woman, that I am a siren, I make people envious of what I have… but it hurts me when they drown in dysphoria because they were lured by me… I blame myself when they do… and it makes me wanna hide that I’m trans, if you see no siren, then you can’t drown chasing one, but it makes me feel alone, I wanna be seen and heard too, just to make me feel more ok even existing in this world, that I shouldn’t just disappear from it to better society, that I too can have space without being people’s 13th reason…
I want everyone to be able to pass, and I blame myself for when they don’t because I’m read myself as a symbol of what trans-ness and transition could be like…
And now I’m getting down voted here… this is really lonely and isolating…
this is bitterhon land, ofc you are going to get downvoted
I know… just makes me feel lonely, I don’t blame them
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In the Best way possible then why do you be there instead look for me idc care if someone is having better than me but sadly this is not the majority here you should try to look for more passoid that could relate and you don’t really going to find them here
That’d mean begging to be accepted as a passoid, like I don’t have any confidence to call myself a passoid really… I think I touched upon it better in the post itself in a way… I don’t feel like a true passoid because they’re clearly more passing than me, and will look down on me
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I just wanted to voice my struggles of feeling isolated by all major groups of individuals, like I feel like I’ve fallen between the cracks of trans-ness and cis-ness to where I am neither able to exist in either world
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Yeah, but I feel like every time I wanna climb up a hill, I get pushed back down into the valley by the people on either hill
You spelled misogyny wrong
Thanks, yeah you’re right
you r/4tran4 browsing fag, eternal twinkhon, never to truly enter cis society like real passoids
???
I don’t have the confidence to brand myself a “real passoid” as I’m afraid I’m a passoidlarper, or a semipassoid at best and so should be excluded from passoid spaces
Ugh how evil I wanna be rn ughhhh okay okay I’m holding myself together but why those posts always appear when I’m at my lowest?
Please do maybe that’d make me feel better… getting degraded is honestly part of my coping at this point
Okay I can get a little bitter, u cry about bdd and traumas and a stealth passoid, imagine having trauma and not being one?
I was alone majority of my life and it never really bothered me, problem is not lonelyness, it’s u being unable to be alone comfortably and wtf even that bs about being isolated as a passoid? Like that u have access to more people and actually being seen as a woman, later u can look closer and see who are biggots and filter them out.
Heal ur trauma get confident and live instead of crying about bs, u facing same problem majority of people have doesn’t matter cis or not
That’s fair… this is what I wanna do… I don’t mean to brag, and I do understand how painful it is without those… I’m just talking about how difficult it is to heal my traumas because I feel like I can’t do it alone, and there’s no one I know that can help me do that… my dad has ensured that the whole “get confident” thing requires healing my traumas, so I’m in a bit of a catch-22 that’s tearing me apart
But I do feel the pain you’re describing at least on an emotional level, maybe not a rational one… I write this in lamentation of how much I want to heal my traumas and be happy but my traumas have trapped me in being able to open up, unable to be confident, and unable to connect to fully trust, and therefore making healing really difficult and really isolating
I’ll open u a secret, no one will ever help you heal ur traumas, it’s ur job and only urs, and u feel no shit, don’t even dare telling me u understand what’s it’s like needing 30k surgery to get what u already have
… I won’t, I accept I’m privileged, I just wish it didn’t hurt others who aren’t as lucky… I lament the fact that I don’t have as much pain as others because I feel that my pain is invalid in comparison, and that I’m making other people suffer more by continuing to be hurt
I agree with you fully… it’s just that this fact is making me wanna end it all because I’m tired…
Another fact, u shouldn’t be concerned about people hurting against u, it’s not YOU who hurt them okay? And ur pain is valid no matter what
I shouldn’t be, but I am… I agree, it’s why it was so hard for me to voice this post in general… but I felt like I needed to so much, thx
do you have to be stealth ?
Yeah… because if I’m not, I get singled out way more, as still too masculine to be taken seriously by women and too passoid to be taken into trans circles… like if I talk about my traumas irl, they are eventually used to isolate me from their circles
and cis ppl let u talk about ur traumas while stealth?
They don’t… that’s the point of the post… it’s that nobody will let me talk about my traumas because I’m caught between two worlds
so there’s no difference stealth or no stealth then. i feel like you’re better off just to keep trying to make more trans friends and maybe some are okay with passoids then.
That’s the hope, and that’s what I was hoping to do joining here, and I’m working through it slowly
I pretty much understand why it would be painful. You only have online where you can really open up about it. And meeting with other trans people, even as discreet as you could be, puts you at a risk to no longer being stealth. It’s still better than not passing/not being out, but it comes with struggles of its own.
Kind of like when people tell that ace people can just live without telling anyone. It’s technically true, but the loneliness and alienation you feel towards others when you’re not out makes it so you have to mask your needs and struggles,
Exactly!!! Yes, this!
Honestly, I appreciate having read this. I know this place isn’t rhe right audience for this sort of stuff, but it is nice to see that someone else has thought some of the same things I have before.
The past 15 years of transition, half of my life, have been really emotionally charged and hard at times. However, I think back to times where I’ve been outed, clocked, etc. and… I’ll take the loneliness over it… the less people know, rhe better. Then again, everyone presents a manicured version of themselves before the world, don’t they?
Thanks, yeah this place isn’t the right audience but I think the crux is that the right audience is a very small group, one that I haven’t found… and keeping this all inside me was tearing at me as the seams… and yeah I’ve also had issues with outing and being clocked, mostly in online spaces fortunately, but I do think I see your sentiment, thank you so much
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Part of the problem for me though is… thaI don’t have a small circle of people I trust… I’m unable to get one due to trauma and being stealth… like I kinda agree with the as long as… but I don’t that’s why I feel so terrible…
I’m sorry…
>but as long as you have a small circle of people you trust and things that make you happy, everything is okay
what if you don’t
what if everyone who you thought you could trust broke that trust in little pieces and now actively neglects you, and are just waiting to cut the link completely as soon as it is made appropriate
This, this is so real!
I have a group of trans and queer friends that i trust but i also don’t really feel comfortable talking about trans-related issues with them bc of how doomer i can be still. I feel like people would consider me semipassoid or twinkhon if they saw me, but my voice and certain futures def don’t pass still even though i often get referred to with fem pronouns and like have doors held for me even in rural-ish areas. But once i start talking it’s usually over lol. I do feel fortunate for how i look but still struggle with it daily bc i want to change a lot even after a few years now. I don’t have a lot of specific trans-related or misogynistic trauma (yet) but that’s partially bc I’ve been able to sequester myself away a bit. Eventually I’ll have to open myself up more to the world tho which im anxious about
Yeah I get this is so much, I’m also uncomfortable dooming to irl people, and so it is very isolating, and I wish you the best of luck
