Being a stealth passoid (if I dare call myself that) is a very lonely isolating life… I barely ever get to talk about my issues or my traumas because they’re so deeply tied being trans. Whenever I do get to talk about I’m always hyper aware of what audience I’m speaking with… it feels like no matter if they’re cis or trans I get judged for having problems and opinions
Cissies never truly understood what it’s like to be trans, it feels like this almost always a decision with them, they don’t see how deep the scar is, they only see the healed scab of where the wound was. But underneath is a festering pile of rot that keeps growing that keeps demanding attention but whenever I try bring it up, it’s always my fault for trying to heal over the wound, instead of seeing how my childhood brain was maladaptive to do it in any other way
Other trans people always feel like a coin flip, or a time bomb… yes often I can relate and talk about my issues… but it always comes with a layer of pain and fear… because sooner or later one of us will snap, we’re all constantly in danger of losing ourselves and shattering… being a passoid here sucks especially so, because often the one snapping isn’t you… your existence is a source of anguish to other trannies, because you lucked out, you got more than they did, they desire what you have, and you got “blessed” to live your life as a woman… at the cost of your friends… they didn’t get so lucky, and even if you have similar if not worse dysphoria… they will always see you as having privilege… a “gift” that isolates you, as they congregate in circles where the damages that being stealth can do is diminished and passing romanticized. And passing is awesome, don’t get me wrong and it can be everything… it’s just also very very damaging…
Meanwhile as a passing trans women these problem are compounded by mysogeny as you’re having this problems of having opinion and emotions and insecurities, you’re told to be quite, to suck it up and be a good housewifely woman, whose only opinion is what to cook for today or what pillow cushions to buy… because women can’t have insecurities, they are but malformed versions of what a man is… dumber… weaker… less important… leave bitch while the men are talking… and then when they see insecurity, it’s actually hysteria… because you’re too underdeveloped to have reason like the men do
Also while all this is happening BDD is acting like a Disco Elysium skill whispering sweat lies that you’re actually still a man, everyone can see it, who are you to call yourself a passoid, you sick perverted moid, what gave you the right, passoids know they’re passoids because everyone treats them like women, and they’re doing so much better than you, you r/4tran4 browsing fag, eternal twinkhon, never to truly enter cis society like real passoids
I’m sorry I had to voice this… some way… some how… thanks for reading my… penance…
Please do maybe that’d make me feel better… getting degraded is honestly part of my coping at this point
Okay I can get a little bitter, u cry about bdd and traumas and a stealth passoid, imagine having trauma and not being one?
I was alone majority of my life and it never really bothered me, problem is not lonelyness, it’s u being unable to be alone comfortably and wtf even that bs about being isolated as a passoid? Like that u have access to more people and actually being seen as a woman, later u can look closer and see who are biggots and filter them out.
Heal ur trauma get confident and live instead of crying about bs, u facing same problem majority of people have doesn’t matter cis or not
That’s fair… this is what I wanna do… I don’t mean to brag, and I do understand how painful it is without those… I’m just talking about how difficult it is to heal my traumas because I feel like I can’t do it alone, and there’s no one I know that can help me do that… my dad has ensured that the whole “get confident” thing requires healing my traumas, so I’m in a bit of a catch-22 that’s tearing me apart
But I do feel the pain you’re describing at least on an emotional level, maybe not a rational one… I write this in lamentation of how much I want to heal my traumas and be happy but my traumas have trapped me in being able to open up, unable to be confident, and unable to connect to fully trust, and therefore making healing really difficult and really isolating
I’ll open u a secret, no one will ever help you heal ur traumas, it’s ur job and only urs, and u feel no shit, don’t even dare telling me u understand what’s it’s like needing 30k surgery to get what u already have
… I won’t, I accept I’m privileged, I just wish it didn’t hurt others who aren’t as lucky… I lament the fact that I don’t have as much pain as others because I feel that my pain is invalid in comparison, and that I’m making other people suffer more by continuing to be hurt
I agree with you fully… it’s just that this fact is making me wanna end it all because I’m tired…
Another fact, u shouldn’t be concerned about people hurting against u, it’s not YOU who hurt them okay? And ur pain is valid no matter what
I shouldn’t be, but I am… I agree, it’s why it was so hard for me to voice this post in general… but I felt like I needed to so much, thx