I am trying to become what I actually desire and me being envious of her is just a displacement of my actual heterosexual attraction towards her because I feel unsafe in expressing it…

If I simply express that attraction and learn that I am enough as a heterosexual man then I will actually be okay… Transition is a pathological fix for a problem that exists because I am afraid of failing as a heterosexual man when in reality I can succed at being a heterosexual man… Transition is an escape from pain.

The pain of rejection and inadequacy but maybe I am and can be enough as a man and never should have doubted that…

She is beautiful, gorgeous, smart, well spoken and really cool person… Truthfully, I will never be a woman and never will be able to achieve being like her because quite frankly there is no sense in attempting such nonsense…

I can love this woman… she is beautiful and my envy or desire to be a women and embody traits she has is just my attempt to aquire what is beautiful and what I love without the risk of getting hurt. It is a bargain for heterosexual love but without the actual relationship to a woman. And that not only wont work but it fundamentally makes me lonely and seperated.

It feels like transition for me is a pathological attempt to satisfiy a need for heterosexual love by becoming the object of desire instead of entering a relationship with tthe object of desire. Like I am stuck in a developemntally stuntend autosexual stage of maturation due to a fear of failure with regards to heterosexual realtionships. It is not transformation.

It is an escape from pain for me

THIS IS WRONG. TRANSITION WONT FIX ME. IT’S AN ATTEMPT TO FIX WHAT ISNT BROKEN. I COULD BE A SUCCESFULL HETEROSEXUAL MAN. MY DESIRE TO TRANSITION IS SIMPLY MY FEAR OF NOT FINDING LOVE.

I am not saying this in a self hating fashion. This is a realisation.

Why be a failed gay male pretending to be a woman when I can become a succesfful straight man accepting that I am a man and loving a woman…

    • DysphoriaGirlOP
      1·
      11 days ago

      Okay ignore that nonsense paragraph. Please focus on the rest. I am sorry for always wanting to abstract things

        • DysphoriaGirlOP
          1·
          11 days ago

          Then engage with that… it feels like I just want to transition because of exactly what I described… and that maybe because of that transition is the wrong path… that I can be a heterosexual man because my entire desire to transition is just a displacement of my heterosexuality and my sexuality being autosexually fixated due to developmental issues…

            • DysphoriaGirlOP
              1·
              11 days ago

              I dont hate myself right now… I felt very happy sitting with her and talking with her and okay with being “the man” for that moment…

            • DysphoriaGirlOP
              1·
              11 days ago

              And my “theory” or rather the way I feel one can explain all this that I am feeling… makes sense to me…it is not about self hatred… it is about if this makes sense… if I am doing trooning just because of trauma and because I fear failing as a heterosexual man and maybe that instead I should believ in myself and try to be succesful as a cishet man because for a moment, I felt like I can never be beautiful like her but maybe I dont even want to be like her but instead I actually just want her.

                • DysphoriaGirlOP
                  1·
                  11 days ago

                  Please please understand that this isnt about all people or about theory or whatever… I am telling you my feelings and how I understand them… that I feel like I only wanted to transition due to feeling that the only way I can feel love towards women is by being a woman instead of being with women and that now I am feeling like maybe I can actually be with women and dont need to be one and can be happy as a man… and all I want is your opinion on that…

            • DysphoriaGirlOP
              1·
              11 days ago

              It is not about theory! This is about how I feel, how this stuff makes sense in my life… how I feel the explanation could be… It is not about abstract theory but about the very stuff I am feeling in this moment.

                • DysphoriaGirlOP
                  1·
                  11 days ago

                  Oh come on… it is not about object things about all troons… this is literally just about me and my specific case. I just want you to engage with that. Not accept some grand troon theory… and yes my feeligns are subjective but what else do we have to work with. Dysphoria is also a subjective feeling