I am trying to become what I actually desire and me being envious of her is just a displacement of my actual heterosexual attraction towards her because I feel unsafe in expressing it…
If I simply express that attraction and learn that I am enough as a heterosexual man then I will actually be okay… Transition is a pathological fix for a problem that exists because I am afraid of failing as a heterosexual man when in reality I can succed at being a heterosexual man… Transition is an escape from pain.
The pain of rejection and inadequacy but maybe I am and can be enough as a man and never should have doubted that…
She is beautiful, gorgeous, smart, well spoken and really cool person… Truthfully, I will never be a woman and never will be able to achieve being like her because quite frankly there is no sense in attempting such nonsense…
I can love this woman… she is beautiful and my envy or desire to be a women and embody traits she has is just my attempt to aquire what is beautiful and what I love without the risk of getting hurt. It is a bargain for heterosexual love but without the actual relationship to a woman. And that not only wont work but it fundamentally makes me lonely and seperated.
It feels like transition for me is a pathological attempt to satisfiy a need for heterosexual love by becoming the object of desire instead of entering a relationship with tthe object of desire. Like I am stuck in a developemntally stuntend autosexual stage of maturation due to a fear of failure with regards to heterosexual realtionships. It is not transformation.
It is an escape from pain for me
THIS IS WRONG. TRANSITION WONT FIX ME. IT’S AN ATTEMPT TO FIX WHAT ISNT BROKEN. I COULD BE A SUCCESFULL HETEROSEXUAL MAN. MY DESIRE TO TRANSITION IS SIMPLY MY FEAR OF NOT FINDING LOVE.
I am not saying this in a self hating fashion. This is a realisation.
Why be a failed gay male pretending to be a woman when I can become a succesfful straight man accepting that I am a man and loving a woman…
It is not about theory! This is about how I feel, how this stuff makes sense in my life… how I feel the explanation could be… It is not about abstract theory but about the very stuff I am feeling in this moment.
i dont mean to be rude, but with this stuff what you “feel” the explanation is is basically worthless
Oh come on… it is not about object things about all troons… this is literally just about me and my specific case. I just want you to engage with that. Not accept some grand troon theory… and yes my feeligns are subjective but what else do we have to work with. Dysphoria is also a subjective feeling
ok but you cant feel the underlying reasons why you have dysphoria. im not commenting again youre going to give me an aneurism with ts, its like talking to a child at times
Science? empirical evidence that thats not how any of this works???
What… I dont get what you are even saying… Please dont leave… I really need the support… like I swear this isnt self hate… I just need somebody to talk to because this matters to me and I want to understand it… I am sorry if I come of childish