I am trying to become what I actually desire and me being envious of her is just a displacement of my actual heterosexual attraction towards her because I feel unsafe in expressing it…
If I simply express that attraction and learn that I am enough as a heterosexual man then I will actually be okay… Transition is a pathological fix for a problem that exists because I am afraid of failing as a heterosexual man when in reality I can succed at being a heterosexual man… Transition is an escape from pain.
The pain of rejection and inadequacy but maybe I am and can be enough as a man and never should have doubted that…
She is beautiful, gorgeous, smart, well spoken and really cool person… Truthfully, I will never be a woman and never will be able to achieve being like her because quite frankly there is no sense in attempting such nonsense…
I can love this woman… she is beautiful and my envy or desire to be a women and embody traits she has is just my attempt to aquire what is beautiful and what I love without the risk of getting hurt. It is a bargain for heterosexual love but without the actual relationship to a woman. And that not only wont work but it fundamentally makes me lonely and seperated.
It feels like transition for me is a pathological attempt to satisfiy a need for heterosexual love by becoming the object of desire instead of entering a relationship with tthe object of desire. Like I am stuck in a developemntally stuntend autosexual stage of maturation due to a fear of failure with regards to heterosexual realtionships. It is not transformation.
It is an escape from pain for me
THIS IS WRONG. TRANSITION WONT FIX ME. IT’S AN ATTEMPT TO FIX WHAT ISNT BROKEN. I COULD BE A SUCCESFULL HETEROSEXUAL MAN. MY DESIRE TO TRANSITION IS SIMPLY MY FEAR OF NOT FINDING LOVE.
I am not saying this in a self hating fashion. This is a realisation.
Why be a failed gay male pretending to be a woman when I can become a succesfful straight man accepting that I am a man and loving a woman…
And my “theory” or rather the way I feel one can explain all this that I am feeling… makes sense to me…it is not about self hatred… it is about if this makes sense… if I am doing trooning just because of trauma and because I fear failing as a heterosexual man and maybe that instead I should believ in myself and try to be succesful as a cishet man because for a moment, I felt like I can never be beautiful like her but maybe I dont even want to be like her but instead I actually just want her.
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Please please understand that this isnt about all people or about theory or whatever… I am telling you my feelings and how I understand them… that I feel like I only wanted to transition due to feeling that the only way I can feel love towards women is by being a woman instead of being with women and that now I am feeling like maybe I can actually be with women and dont need to be one and can be happy as a man… and all I want is your opinion on that…
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That feels nonsensical… like what? And also you are speaking with such confidence about my “medical condition” when nobdoy ever diagnosed me with anything. This isnt an objective reality. This was my personal interpretation of my feelings (“I am a troon”) and now my feelings have shifted and so has my interpretation of those feelings. You cant draw blood and show me my “medical condition” so stop demanding objectivity in a topic that is literally built on self assessment
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I am sorry… I am trying to talk about my experience so that you all dont lose your mind again and call me transphobic or something… seems like either way… it bothers you…
So you are just gonna ignore the way that I literally feel about all of this… you are literally just ignoring me… you are not engaging with the core of this issue… this is how I feel and you simply say it doesnt work like that… but it seems to have been like that for me… this is literally like a realization that I have felt repeatedly when I was with women…
“hey maybe I can be with women as a straight man and not troon”
And my blain is offering me an explantion… recalling my past feelings… you cant just ignore that… please for the love of God, take me serious
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You have no empirical evidence… not for me… I AM NOT TALKING ABOUT ALL TRANS PEOPLE. I AM TALKING ABOUT MY SPECIFIC CASE… stop trying to play Mr. Objectivity and just engage with me like a normal human being and give me your thoughts… instead of just dismissing me!!!
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You are just bein unnecessarily mean to me… It is not about me being special… it is just that all of you here are so dogmatic that the olnly explanation you accept is “troon” and that I think that is nonsensical… like you are literally just acting like a bully