At this point… I just feel like there is no point in transitioning at all anymore… because it will not work, will make my family kill me or themselves, will destroy my future job opptertunities, will bring about death, misery and poverty to my future and I will still look like a fucking moid. I am 20y old… quite honestly, that is absolute lateshit territory and I am not saying that to ragebait but because we simply cannot compete with the wave of youngshits coming out of the household of accepting parents and because we have to be honest that nowadays 20y old is extremely late and either caused by being faketrans or by knowing that you were trans at a young age but having abusive parents (in my case it is because I am faketrans)…
Life will only get worse…
There is always a point in not being a repper
No, there is not. That is fucking stupid. If I rep then I can have a normal life and just kill myself when I feel like I cant take it anymore, but I can at least get a few years out of it… but sadly I am too mentally fucking ill to function like a normal human being
Normal life is when every day is spent agonizing over what could be, over what you’re denying yourself, all for some imaginary normal life as a normal man that doesn’t even exist, got it
Okay forget the whole “live as a great man” thing… how about I just live as a repper due to the fact that transition wont work and if I try my family kills me… Why not simply try my best to get a stable desk job, a tiny apartment, then simply play videogames in my free time, write books, read, have no ambitions, hook up with gay men (these horny animals) at most if I feel like it, and simply die one day… why not just repper waste my life away…
if youre too mentally ill to function as a human being why not take the medication meant to make you a functional human being? manmode for the rest of your life if you want just take the e
Because transition could make my life even worse…
do you genuinely think your life will be anything but pain and misery and pure foggy static in your brain if you decide to full rep
It all has not gotten better in the last 6 years… maybe I never actually tried to get better, maybe I am too broken or maybe I am just horrifically too comfortable or uncomfortable… I dont know if anything will ever get better…
things dont just get better, and they dont just get worse, life is the worst rollercoaster you will ever be in, theres highs and lows and the most we can do is choose the direction we want to take it
and there is comfort in sadness, comfort in desolation, but its also the bottom of the well, the end of the barrel, to choose such comfort is to abandon the comfort of breeze and of sun
like i said, you dont get to make the highs and lows go away, just choose in what direction you want this ride to be headed