diy hrt at 22. i think that says a lot about what i’ve done. didn’t get hrt at 21, 20, 19, 18, 17, 16, 15, 14, 13, 12. didn’t research puberty. didn’t research srs. didn’t seek mental help. didn’t tell my parents. didn’t try to do something about being male. didn’t try to crossdress awkwardly. didn’t try to- so much i didn’t do. now every day i’m haunted by my past, burning me. burning. i can’t put out the fire. i betrayed myself. i sought freedom and denied it to myself. now what? whats left? i can’t look back at my life and think “i tried to do my best”. i basically go to college to have something to do because its too late now to get a job.

video games. what can i even remember? just ghosts. bits and pieces of nothing. fake dreams. dead thoughts. echoes of anger. lost avatars. false identities. copies. all just after-images. i never want to play a video game again. turn it off and delete it all. i don’t care if i miss out on the good ones, i played all the bad ones. doing dumb shit. i did the wrong dumb shit. i should’ve done dumb shit outside, not on a computer.

why am i even writing this? nobody here cares what i say. i’m just a random piece of shit person. i have nothing to look forward to in life, nothing to be happy for, because i ruined it all. i did. its my fault. all my fault. all my fault i payed attention to the computer instead of whats in front of me. now i have nothing. nothing. everything has gone past me. why live?

  • gloomfood
    7·
    3 days ago

    I will never forgive cis society for letting this happen to so many people

    I feel a similar way, wasted away so much of my life doing stupid shit when i couldve been getting help

  • Dreamcaster
    5·
    3 days ago

    there are so many of us that feel the same way and also used video games to cope with the emptiness. i’m sorry that this happened to you and i hope ur pain is eased eventually. 🫂

  • imgonnascrem
    5·
    3 days ago

    yep. same here. dont have much to add. it sucks. idk, i just know i gave up on wishing to be female when i was 14 because i thought it was too late and things got worse and i didnt understand anything. but things can always get worse if u do nothing and always get at least a bit better if u do something.

  • ✿hannah✿
    4·
    3 days ago

    I feel the same. I think if I didn’t become so absorbed in video games wasting tens of thousands of hours on nothing, I would’ve recognized what’s wrong and started earlier than 21.

    I’m sorry girl… This is something I’ve been unable to do, but try to forgive yourself. It’s not your fault this happened when we live in a world that thinks trans people are fundamentally lesser. Video games are designed to be addictive and to pull you in their grasp. I’m sorry it happend. It’s not your fault and I hope you can achieve peace one day.

    • TotalComplexityOP
      2·
      3 days ago

      i can’t forgive myself for having the opportunity to try at get what i needed and instead not doing so.

  • sludge
    3·
    3 days ago

    Yup. I repped until 23. So many months and years gone to waste. I hope people are right about it getting better after 25, or 30, or whatever else.