diy hrt at 22. i think that says a lot about what i’ve done. didn’t get hrt at 21, 20, 19, 18, 17, 16, 15, 14, 13, 12. didn’t research puberty. didn’t research srs. didn’t seek mental help. didn’t tell my parents. didn’t try to do something about being male. didn’t try to crossdress awkwardly. didn’t try to- so much i didn’t do. now every day i’m haunted by my past, burning me. burning. i can’t put out the fire. i betrayed myself. i sought freedom and denied it to myself. now what? whats left? i can’t look back at my life and think “i tried to do my best”. i basically go to college to have something to do because its too late now to get a job.

video games. what can i even remember? just ghosts. bits and pieces of nothing. fake dreams. dead thoughts. echoes of anger. lost avatars. false identities. copies. all just after-images. i never want to play a video game again. turn it off and delete it all. i don’t care if i miss out on the good ones, i played all the bad ones. doing dumb shit. i did the wrong dumb shit. i should’ve done dumb shit outside, not on a computer.

why am i even writing this? nobody here cares what i say. i’m just a random piece of shit person. i have nothing to look forward to in life, nothing to be happy for, because i ruined it all. i did. its my fault. all my fault. all my fault i payed attention to the computer instead of whats in front of me. now i have nothing. nothing. everything has gone past me. why live?