It doesn’t help anybody…
I am for example depressed, have trauma and lead an unhappy life with no purpose and that is filled with feelings of deep inadequacy.
And I ask myself… could it be that I want to be trans just because the idea of being a woman due to trauma has become something that feels safer to me (even if I’m man) than the idea of being with a woman and my wish to transition is just so I can fulfill some deep seated need… essentially instead of feeling adequate and confident enough to express my attraction to a woman and love a woman in a relationship, I instead try to love myself as a woman because I’m scared of failing or being inadequate as a heterosexual man
That plus my father’s abuse due to his extreme hypermasculine expectations and my sexual trauma from pornography have made me afraid and alienated from the idea of being a man and from heterosexuality.
And then I developed dysphoria after the fact… I literally said “okay I want to be a woman because I think then I can fulfill this deep seated need, but trans women need to have dysphoria so now I should start to feel dysphoria” and then and only then after starting to imitate what people said they were dysphoric about, did I start feeling it which to me seems like I induced dysphoria artificially.
Why… why isn’t that a viable explanation!
I think… I am trying to convince myself… or maybe others… I am not sure… I definelty have felt before like I wanted people to give me permission to be trans… maybe it is similar know… to be quite honest… what I really want is for somebody to take the weight of all of this away but of course nobody can do that… it is kind of horrific… cause no answer makes me feel okay… If somebody says… “you are trans” then I immediately feel that need to voice all kinds of objections and even now after a year of pain, I cannot settle with that statement and that makes me feel uncomfortable… but if somebody also says something like “ok, nevermind, you are cis” then that also gives me a weird and uncomfortable unsatisfied and scared feeling…
I am not looking for magic words. I really just need somebody to talk with… maybe I also am just extremely desperate for any connection and any bit of love. I just need a hug, God damn it… I just feel like I am falling apart and i just want somebody to tell me what is the right thing here and for that to make sense to my brain but nothing makes any sense.
It’s not wrong for you to want that, and I wish that you could have some relief.
But all this stuff you’ve been saying sounds like repper cope to me. I have 25 years of experience with it. All of it just seems like you want to find some way to cope with the misery of not transitioning. And I get why, because there is a lot of bad in transitioning. But repping gets so much worse! But I’ve already told you that, so I’m not sure what else to do.