I’m just choder. And even then a name cannot name what cannot be named, that which has no word. What is said in “choder” is not the meaning, and what is meant cannot be said type shihhh.

Let’s see how long this cope lasts. I give it like 6 months max.

    • t. choderOP
      5·
      1 month ago

      <3 wow yeah u get it… Wish I took my sweet time with telling everyone who I am and what I plan to do tbh… or just never gave it a name besides “I’m going on estrogen” and then proceeded to do whatever I want with my body and style and personality… but when I first trooned out I went the official route and felt like my choice was either be a serious trans person (assimilist binary transsexual) or just rep and femboycope until twinkdeath and kms. I didn’t actually allow myself to start taking the whole “woman” thing less seriously and my actual desires more seriously until after orchie…

      But that’s the thing… idk how seriously anyone would’ve taken me had I not phrased it in such binary terminology. Perhaps I would’ve never gotten the surgery that finally made me comfortable disassembling the womancope and acknowledging it was clearly just making me uncomfortable in the other direction. Idk. The threat of medical/surgical gatekeeping made me build a card-house of lies, and I see too much social incentive to not continue to live in it… it’d feel stupid to stop, but idk, the emphasis on identity-based stuff, especially with how false it all feels, and how much I’ve seemingly overcompensated on my narrative and transition direction… it’s clear I didn’t want all this, it was all just survival.

      If this is all gender can be, all gender has to offer, I don’t want it. If I can’t make it mine I don’t want it, and I clearly can’t, this world clearly doesn’t want to make room for anything else, so why not just post-modernismmaxx at this point and never come out as anything or assign labels or pronouns to myself and permanently use the gender neutral nickname I gave myself and just be vague and mysterious but like kinda wokely, y’know? Just subtly distance myself from the overly-wombynly image I’ve curated until people get the memo, I guess.

      So yeah, that’s all that felt “allowable” as you said, you get it… I wish there was more of a way to be a “person” without being a man or a woman… but just integrating myself into something more human-feeling, feeling more in control of my body and its morphological destiny, having things to pull me out of my head and into meatspace… that’s the more tangible stuff, more tangible than any internal intelligibility. I’ve lived in my head my whole life and all that time never rendered any internal understanding that makes sense to binoids or even myself… not waiting on it to happen any longer, time to personmaxx. I’m gonna take concrete steps to be less financially reliant on others for my tranny stuff too so I stop feeling the need to pretend so much… that way I can stop giving myself shit to complain about…

        • t. choderOP
          2·
          1 month ago

          I’ve been kinda busy and struggled to find the time or mental energy to give your response the time and energy I feel it deserves, but I do want to make it clear that I read it all through several times and I appreciate you sharing all your experiences with me as you have, seriously. Our points of being able to relate to eachother can feel kinda uncanny to me sometimes. You remind me of my bestie in a lot of ways, who reminds me of myself of course. I feel less alone in everything that I post knowing your eyes might grace it.

          I hope we can both find our freedom… and quite frankly truNB stuff doesn’t mean a lot to me either. Everybody has their own idea about what makes a troon a troon, you may be made of a lot of the same stuff as binary troons, but it doesn’t mean you are… and it doesn’t make your hatred of gender and your feling of being outside of it any less of what it is. Things might be less or more complicated than you’re making it out to be… at the end of the day it’s all about utilizing language well enough to get the help you know you need, far more than it’s all about arriving at some truth… and I think you get that, and I think that’s great :) if you relate to enby experiences it’s chill regardless of whether you “actually” are one. It’s enough to me that it’s not all alien to you, which is more what I’m used to