This is it. You excuse all of their gross value, boundary, and moral violations as “just human”. You think of them as a special person deserving of grace.
And it’s fucked you up.
It starts at childhood where you are told to bury extremely disrespectful behavior as just a normal, common mistake.
So you think you must be understanding, accommodating, and loving if you truly empathise with them.
With normally fucked people this gets taken advantage of in small ways which you clock and stop.
With extremely fucked people who go from 0-100 any minutes this is THE escape they need.
Your accommodation becomes theirs. Literally.
They see you as a part of them and feel entitled to any and everything you give. And this is called enmeshment.
The more you ignore their fucked up behavior as “just a human mistake” the more they see how much you are willing to tolerate.
The moment I stood up for myself my friend flipped and split on me so bad. I wish that moment had happened early in our friendship.
Now you might think “but aren’t we all supposed to live with kindness? If I can’t forgive and forget this then I am the problem!”
Buddy, if you did even 1% of what they do - they would spartan kick you out of their life. There’s a huge difference between giving grace to healthy people who respect you and fucked up people who disregard you. I know it’s confusing to find out what kind they are. So observe the patterns. Their behaviors will reveal this. Not their words. Not the sweet nothings and fake promises.
Remember manipulation, future faking, splitting, devaluation, lovebombing, intense trust are PART of their disorder. They are not just traits your loved one picked up one, it’s ingrained in their personality. It IS their personality. And when that’s the pattern, any sort of a healthy relationship with yourself in their presence becomes impossible. Unless you have blinders on and let them use you.
I hate thinking about BPD. I’m worried I have it and if I do I should stay away from everyone forever. I know that BPD isn’t the “bad person disease” but my mom has BPD on top of schizophrenia and it ruined and broke me beyond what I can describe here. and the rest of my family told me I should tolerate and even play along with her abuse founded on delusions because “she’s ill” and it would tire her out if I stood up for myself.
I wish I didn’t see BPD so negatively, and I wish I wasn’t probably BPD inherited from my mom. if I am I don’t think I want to talk to people anymore since I’ll just hurt them, but I’m not even sure yet
It’s not even solely exclusive to that kind of upbringing either. Even people who didn’t grow up that way will give the benefit of the doubt, because it’s so outside of typical human reasoning that someone would be malicious on PURPOSE, especially to the degree that they can, and often do, stoop.
We thought we won the lottery, but they were winning the lottery for avoiding accountability.
Right on. The hardest part for me was the helplessness, the self destruction and innocence she emitted. I see now that even that was feigned, even that was part of the manipulation, the cycle of abuse they knowingly or unknowingly inflict upon those who love them deeply but do not know how to set and keep firm boundaries with them.
I was unfortunately someone who loved them deeply, but did not set and keep firm boundaries with them.
I definitely was too understanding, and I think that he wanted to see how far he could push it with me and what I would tolerate. If I knew what I knew now, I would’ve never tolerated what I did. Saving this post so I can remind myself.
