I just feel so sad… this deep deep sadness… I just want to be beautiful… I want to be beautiful so much that it hurts… I just want to be loved and to be and feel beautiful and for me to be okay… to be enough… and I’ve just been feeling so sad because I’m so ugly… so ugly and broken… I’m not even pretty and broken… just ugly and broken… and I’m sad… so utterly sad… and I think about how painful it all is… and I just… feel sorry for being bad or doing bad things like trying to be more beautiful in ways that might not be okay but I don’t want God to be angry with me… and I’m so sad because I ask myself if God is gonna understand it and instead of being angry, comfort me… but I don’t feel anything… no presence and so I just sit here and feel cold, and and alone…

And ask myself… am I still lovable if I’m in pain :(