Something made me remember it, and I’m consumed by nostalgia. I miss being so careless, I miss thinking greatly about my future, I miss my unrealistic dreams, I miss not having dysphoria. When I reflect back, I don’t think I really had an identity back then, I did not care. I was a boy, I felt okay with it. What Happened to my brain??? Whyy am I not a man? Why can’t I feel like one, when I remember it was a part of my identity??? It feels like I’m a completely different person that I was, completely sperate. Why can’t I be a son and make my dad proud… 🥲Why do I have to feel this way, why can’t I. Why did I waste those years? My brain is fucked either way, some physical structures related to my gender got fucked. I was okay with being a boy, but I’m not okay with being a man. Are my troon thoughts just Peter pan syndrome? I’m so faketrans… Why am I still able to identify with some male characters in anime and stuff? It genuinely sometimes feels like my brain is halfway split between being a girl and halfway clinging to the old identity. Nostalgia is wanting me to go back to before my egg crack, but I know I’d feel bad about it. Do I not have a good enough masculine role model I wish to be? Being like L from deathnote or light Yagami would be so cool, but I know I wouldn’t feel content with such body. Do I need to watch more media with good female characters to wish to be more like them? I know that Rei Ayanami has really resonated with me in the past. I’d absolutely want to be like Rei Ayanami more than anything.
This is happening to me lately and its really wrecking me big time :/
I sometimes get such outbursts for no reason at all. It usually pssses for me fairly quickly
oh my god real i could go on about that for hours
i wish i could go back to preschool or elementary andwatch shows for girls and not feel ashamed of it
I remember watching my little pony, was cool
even if i still have to be a lateshit or whatever i still would want to go back and experience that part differently. idr who posted about it before but we were talking about just letting yourself be the weird kid in middle school instead of wasting so much time and energy trying to fight it and i think about it all the time
I was the weird kid. Probably autistic, lacked masking. But I was too absorbed in science and stuff. If I didn’t get consumed by internet procrastination I’d have probably never realized I’m a tranny and I’d also be doing great things right now. But no, I’m left with nothing, being nothing and only having a bit higher surface level knowledge than the rest of my highschool class. I could’ve went into programming, I could’ve done 3D modeling earlier, I could’ve done more stuff with microcontrollers.
I relate to this a lot
The only difference between now and then is the amount of hope I’ve had. Rn it’s definitely less
