Something made me remember it, and I’m consumed by nostalgia. I miss being so careless, I miss thinking greatly about my future, I miss my unrealistic dreams, I miss not having dysphoria. When I reflect back, I don’t think I really had an identity back then, I did not care. I was a boy, I felt okay with it. What Happened to my brain??? Whyy am I not a man? Why can’t I feel like one, when I remember it was a part of my identity??? It feels like I’m a completely different person that I was, completely sperate. Why can’t I be a son and make my dad proud… 🥲Why do I have to feel this way, why can’t I. Why did I waste those years? My brain is fucked either way, some physical structures related to my gender got fucked. I was okay with being a boy, but I’m not okay with being a man. Are my troon thoughts just Peter pan syndrome? I’m so faketrans… Why am I still able to identify with some male characters in anime and stuff? It genuinely sometimes feels like my brain is halfway split between being a girl and halfway clinging to the old identity. Nostalgia is wanting me to go back to before my egg crack, but I know I’d feel bad about it. Do I not have a good enough masculine role model I wish to be? Being like L from deathnote or light Yagami would be so cool, but I know I wouldn’t feel content with such body. Do I need to watch more media with good female characters to wish to be more like them? I know that Rei Ayanami has really resonated with me in the past. I’d absolutely want to be like Rei Ayanami more than anything.