In theory I should’ve never had much difficulty coming out to my parents as a third thing. I mean, Mahu is “third-gendered”, right? And my parents, given that they come from the pacific islands, have that as their cultural touchstone for what a tranny is anyways, so all should be good. From the very beginning, in an ideal world, I’dve just said hey Mom and Dad, I’m Mahu, or more Rae-Rae I guess, but like not in the sex-worker Rae-Rae way, but like in the Mahu on hrt who functionally socially lives as a woman Rae-Rae way…". But I’m just so repulsed by the idea that switching out the language I use to describe myself would in reality just set back the way I’m viewed and addressed.
I think a lot of my paranoia stems from the fact that I’ve been pretty insistent on calling myself a trans woman to them for the entirety of the time I’ve been transitioning, mostly because I fear using any other framework would risk making my intended surgery pathway seem less legitimate in the eyes of family, friends, and doctors. I want to be taken seriously in the things I aim to do. And so far they’ve been reasonably supportive of the medical side of things, but my parents treat me as a gay+ they/them third-gender thing, and I had an actual theymab partner for years who they only ever he/him’d despite them being overtly quite androgynous, but in a no-hrt kinda way. Seeing that has kinda re-affirmed my initial fears that, in this household, presenting as a binary transitioner gets me the nonbinary treatment, and presenting as nonbinary would just increase the incidence of getting the natal sex treatment, so may as well just keep acting like I’m a trans woman to continue getting treated as neither man or woman.
It’s just so weird because I don’t even entirely hate the way I’m referred to by them… in a way its even the ideal, and I know I’m kind of a family luckshit for being treated with any humanity by my family as a tranny whatsoever. It’s how I got them to treat me this way that kinda disturbs me. But idk, maybe things will just remain much the same if I basically confirm to them that I’ve been womancoping all along, and I’d just end up less distressed in the end, but I also don’t want to reinforce any prejudices about trans women actually being third-things in-denial by doing that.
Sometimes I feel so retarded for having managed to create a situation where them gendering me neutrally feels bad when I’m like obviously actually nb and already think of myself in gender neutral terms. It doesn’t feel bad because I actually disagree with it internally, it feels bad largely because I’ve only ever insinuated I’m a trans woman, and I’m like… offended on trans women’s behalf I guess lmfao. Fmstl
Well hey I’m technically pansexual too, and sexuality theory of mind isn’t exactly my forte either lmfao. There’s a silent part of me that judges everyone who’s not bi or asexual as superficial or overly picky, but I try to remind myself that that’s probably a super deranged thing to think and feel, and that if I too experienced monosexuality it’d be more apparent to me why that is. Still tho, when people talk about how unnatracted they are to men or women, it’s hard for me to believe the extent they take their words, a part of me interprets it as performative and an obvious lie.
Idk why it’s so hard to just believe what people say sometimes, but my instincts just reads it as performative. Like you’re telling me love wouldn’t be able to overcome your sexual preference??? Really??? And like c’mon no demographic is really all that ugly… like think about it y’all, we all got cool stuff to offer, you’d see if you only opened your eyes like me!.. lmfao. I remember an asexual nb repper friend of mine and I came up with a term for our trolly alliance when we were circlejerking about this lowk enlightenment/superiority complex we silently share due to just fundamentally struggling to understand the inner-worlds of others. BATBA. Bisexual Asexual Transgender Bigender Agender. Kinda like LGB drop the T but for excluding monosexuals and people with strict genital preferences (hence the inclusion of T). A fundamentally unserious idea meant as a self-parody, but I think about the concept and kinda laugh at myself whenever I catch myself being retardedly close-minded about orientation things.
I’d also say the pan hate just comes from the way that term is positioned against bisexual as more woke and trans-inclusive and stuff, when it really just kinda is a more narrow version of bisexual, like an elaboration of sorts, like calling oneself sapiosexual or demisexual can be. Like… human sexual distribution is no binary, I get that this fact can make people feel weird about “bi” if the assumption that it means binary-sexual… but sex is in-fact bimodal so… lmfao. “Battle-axe bisexuality” is also kinda retarded tho. Pansexual is not inherently evil and biphobic, and implying that it is is just doing the same thing that annoying pan people do lol. I think it’s okay to have a word for “I’m a dgaf bisexual” lol.
I agree that the transsexuality being included in the AuDHD comorbidity suite is somewhat likely but also not too worth entertaining. I feel like it’d be healthier to focus on the nature of the trans-autism-oldparents correlations during a time when transness and autism aren’t so incredibly politically charged with genocidal intent lol. It has been found tho that autistic brains essentially have sexual differences of their own, much in the same way that trans people have been differentiated, even in autistic adults that don’t present with dysphoria. It kinda implies that in the same way that an adult can have an autistic brain and only present with ADHD symptoms, an adult can have an autistic brain and potentially only present with dysphoria, or, on the inverse, have autism and a brain that in-theory would be ripe for developing dysphoria, despite presenting in a way that appears asymptomatic or subclinical in regards to dysphoria, which could actually explain “non-dysphoric” autistic nb’s who don’t ultimately feel moved enough to transition by their vague feelings of gender incongruence… but idk it doesn’t inherently matter. It’s all schizo to focus on even if it were fully true.
deleted by creator
The negative vs positive distinction is a real good one tbh and does highlight pretty much why I can sometimes find the term useful, even tho it’s been kinda ruined. Sometimes when around bisexuals I’ll see people talk about how much they loooooove both men and women and everyone in between, like they’re maxxed out on androphilia and gynephilia, and that is an attraction style that is a bit alien to me, as, like, when I view others lustfully, it feels more accurate to say that I kinda look upon their body with the same kind of gaze I would apply to somebody with a completely different configuration. There’s no man ass and girl ass to me, y’know, just sometimes butts look good. People aren’t hot cuz they fit a super specific physical “type”… just sometimes what somebodies got going on just “works” for me, and a pattern is rarely obvious… it’s just a thing where there’s some people I like and others I don’t. I think I could be seen as a little bit chasery for other nb’s and androgynous people from the outside looking in just looking at my dating history, and I like to tease myself for that often, but it’s certainly more on an emotional level and about additional assurance that I’m understood, nothing actually perverted.
Not to mention preferring cuddling and outercourse over kinks and intercourse kinda putting me at odds with, like, most sexuality communities. And yeah labels are weird. It feels odd labeling something that I regard as so neutral and obvious to my life anyways.
BATBA 4eva