In theory I should’ve never had much difficulty coming out to my parents as a third thing. I mean, Mahu is “third-gendered”, right? And my parents, given that they come from the pacific islands, have that as their cultural touchstone for what a tranny is anyways, so all should be good. From the very beginning, in an ideal world, I’dve just said hey Mom and Dad, I’m Mahu, or more Rae-Rae I guess, but like not in the sex-worker Rae-Rae way, but like in the Mahu on hrt who functionally socially lives as a woman Rae-Rae way…". But I’m just so repulsed by the idea that switching out the language I use to describe myself would in reality just set back the way I’m viewed and addressed.
I think a lot of my paranoia stems from the fact that I’ve been pretty insistent on calling myself a trans woman to them for the entirety of the time I’ve been transitioning, mostly because I fear using any other framework would risk making my intended surgery pathway seem less legitimate in the eyes of family, friends, and doctors. I want to be taken seriously in the things I aim to do. And so far they’ve been reasonably supportive of the medical side of things, but my parents treat me as a gay+ they/them third-gender thing, and I had an actual theymab partner for years who they only ever he/him’d despite them being overtly quite androgynous, but in a no-hrt kinda way. Seeing that has kinda re-affirmed my initial fears that, in this household, presenting as a binary transitioner gets me the nonbinary treatment, and presenting as nonbinary would just increase the incidence of getting the natal sex treatment, so may as well just keep acting like I’m a trans woman to continue getting treated as neither man or woman.
It’s just so weird because I don’t even entirely hate the way I’m referred to by them… in a way its even the ideal, and I know I’m kind of a family luckshit for being treated with any humanity by my family as a tranny whatsoever. It’s how I got them to treat me this way that kinda disturbs me. But idk, maybe things will just remain much the same if I basically confirm to them that I’ve been womancoping all along, and I’d just end up less distressed in the end, but I also don’t want to reinforce any prejudices about trans women actually being third-things in-denial by doing that.
Sometimes I feel so retarded for having managed to create a situation where them gendering me neutrally feels bad when I’m like obviously actually nb and already think of myself in gender neutral terms. It doesn’t feel bad because I actually disagree with it internally, it feels bad largely because I’ve only ever insinuated I’m a trans woman, and I’m like… offended on trans women’s behalf I guess lmfao. Fmstl
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The negative vs positive distinction is a real good one tbh and does highlight pretty much why I can sometimes find the term useful, even tho it’s been kinda ruined. Sometimes when around bisexuals I’ll see people talk about how much they loooooove both men and women and everyone in between, like they’re maxxed out on androphilia and gynephilia, and that is an attraction style that is a bit alien to me, as, like, when I view others lustfully, it feels more accurate to say that I kinda look upon their body with the same kind of gaze I would apply to somebody with a completely different configuration. There’s no man ass and girl ass to me, y’know, just sometimes butts look good. People aren’t hot cuz they fit a super specific physical “type”… just sometimes what somebodies got going on just “works” for me, and a pattern is rarely obvious… it’s just a thing where there’s some people I like and others I don’t. I think I could be seen as a little bit chasery for other nb’s and androgynous people from the outside looking in just looking at my dating history, and I like to tease myself for that often, but it’s certainly more on an emotional level and about additional assurance that I’m understood, nothing actually perverted.
Not to mention preferring cuddling and outercourse over kinks and intercourse kinda putting me at odds with, like, most sexuality communities. And yeah labels are weird. It feels odd labeling something that I regard as so neutral and obvious to my life anyways.
BATBA 4eva