Maybe this entire trans nonsense is just an attempt for me to try to escape myself and specifically to try to escape my sexuality… if I take hormones… bam… no more horny… self castration… because sexuality is evil and disgusting and abhorrent and feels terrible for me… I probably have compulsive sexual behavior disorder… and it’s probably best for me to try to fix that before I do anything else in life… hormones won’t fix me. Nothing will ever fix me. I need to be pure first. If I fix this and become pure and my sexuality become normal and recalibatrated again to not be as compulsive, conditioned and abhorrent then I will be able to know myself better… but as long as I am this way… it’s all just an escape… I can’t and don’t know myself… not really… not properly… I can’t.

I feel like a monster… none of this feels real. Being trans doesn’t feel real. Being bisexual doesn’t feel real. Even liking women doesn’t feel real. Nothing does. And it all makes me simply… rot away slowly…

And this needs to end… none of us are pure…

How can we say we are trans when we suffer from so many commodities… first we need to fix those things and then when after everything dysphoria still remains, then we can transition because then we’ve proven that we’re real and also then our transition won’t be deformed and twisted by our other issues.

I need to fix this one thing and then everything else will work out somehow… I am sick… so deeply sick…