Maybe this entire trans nonsense is just an attempt for me to try to escape myself and specifically to try to escape my sexuality… if I take hormones… bam… no more horny… self castration… because sexuality is evil and disgusting and abhorrent and feels terrible for me… I probably have compulsive sexual behavior disorder… and it’s probably best for me to try to fix that before I do anything else in life… hormones won’t fix me. Nothing will ever fix me. I need to be pure first. If I fix this and become pure and my sexuality become normal and recalibatrated again to not be as compulsive, conditioned and abhorrent then I will be able to know myself better… but as long as I am this way… it’s all just an escape… I can’t and don’t know myself… not really… not properly… I can’t.
I feel like a monster… none of this feels real. Being trans doesn’t feel real. Being bisexual doesn’t feel real. Even liking women doesn’t feel real. Nothing does. And it all makes me simply… rot away slowly…
And this needs to end… none of us are pure…
How can we say we are trans when we suffer from so many commodities… first we need to fix those things and then when after everything dysphoria still remains, then we can transition because then we’ve proven that we’re real and also then our transition won’t be deformed and twisted by our other issues.
I need to fix this one thing and then everything else will work out somehow… I am sick… so deeply sick…
You’re not a monster, you’re just not a man
Take your damned pills Alice…
But I wasn’t always trans… I became this… I used to be a very straight forward cishet boy who just was a little more sensitive than the other boy… at most im authentically bisexual
I can’t speak for you, but I can say that I definitely wanted desperately to be just a feminine bisexual man… so I don’t blame you for that desire to retreat to anything but the dreaded thing…
But At least for me, it never went away, and always bothered the fuck out of me in a way that I could only suppress for shorter and shorter periods over time
For 27 Years 🙃
That makes sense… I hope i wont repress for another 7 years… 20y as a man is already too much to be simply honest.
Agreed, I had to heavily abuse opiates to numb the numbness, which I would not recommend so like, what’s your plan to get the right hormone in your body 🫡
Plan? Ehh hehehe… ehm… idk
Clinic, Crypto, DIY… 🤷🏻♀️
That’s okay, you’ve got outlines, now let’s set some dates and stuff-
What would it take you to go to the clinic?
First you need an appointment, Then you need documentation Then you need transportation,
Let’s work on the first, Where Is the nearest clinic to you? Can you work on that first step for me? 🙏🏻
Okay… well I already have a doctor with which I might end up doing informed consent and they already have my blood to look at hormones and we’re gonna talk about the effect of HRT in a month… but they will probably hondose me and all that and also with my doctor I will talk about sperm banking so it might take like another few months before I am able to start HRT.
Right now, I’m trying to get my hands on crypto to then be able to buy HRT from one european vendor and do DIY…
But yk first I would actually like need a transition plan… like what regimen, what else am I gonna do, which medication, how does the universe work… how can I idk make sure stuff somehow works out… how can I hide it all from parents etc…
But yeah… ive already taken a few steps but doubt and all is still very strong and I might end up just not following through.
