it used to hurt me so bad that i wouldn’t get to be a woman that i was extremely suicidal to the point of almost attempting. now i know that’s not that much compared with what some ppl here have to deal with, but considering my life is ok outside of trannism it tells a lot about how horrible this condition is ig

i went through twink death and honestly i think i have a full blown trauma over it, to the point where my brain got affected with memory loss, dissociation and particularly very heavy breakdowns. i basically can’t rly think about it without crying. i still struggle a lot with that lost time that i spent watching my body distorting and then the years i spent trying to repair it

but now, days pass me by and i don’t feel so awful about being a faggot on estrogen. mostly. kinda. i think i resolved a lot of my dysphoria with the treatments i’ve had. moreover, i see some unfortunate looking cis women on the street and tbh i don’t particularly feel like i want their bodies more than mine

so then, what does it mean to me to be a woman? i feel like, even if being a hrtwink doesn’t feel too horrible, i still crave that social role. i don’t want to be 50 and still be a third gender thing, it doesn’t make fucking sense, and i’m already 26. and i crave all the clothes, the permission to be soft and feminine…

but the problem is not only passing or not; it’s still a huge one and i can’t rly see a woman in the mirror tbh, and i’m not sure if i will. it’s this dichotomy: should i keep living in this comfortable but kinda dissociative state, or should i honmode and face the consequences? dilemmas, dilemmas…

    • deafskyOP
      2·
      12 days ago

      i was too dissociated to even witness the deformation of my body

      relatable… but i only consciously repped for 1y and a half, i just didn’t know hrt was a thing… i still feel like somehow my brain got damaged too even if it was unconscious… when i realized, it rly felt like all the trauma i was bottling up exploded

      i’m starting to be ok with they way i am now but i’m not a trunb cause i wish i was a woman

      same :((((((

      i have to moderate feminization cause i could end up positively androgynous

      i don’t feel particularly worried about it cause i just honest to god look younger than i am, nothing else :/ i mean, i did have changes from hrt that i’m grateful for, but they aren’t enough to make anyone suspicious. what it rly worries me is turning like, 35 and looking very weird and off putting for that age… but well, for now isn’t rly a problem

      fuck what are we gonna do

      idk… climate change and fascism and the rest of that bs seems bleak and stuff so maybe we should focus on the now… i want a bf and do things tbh apart from tranny shit. i can always kms…

        • deafskyOP
          2·
          12 days ago

          i’m glad you got hopefuel from this :) personally, i’m still rly not entirely ok jxoeirkdl just enough that i don’t feel suicidal anymore, which tbh is still a massive improvement. some days are worse than others tho… but i have my hair surgery already paid and scheduled to finally fix the thing that keeps me kinda miserable which is my hairline (it’s not a norwood 6 or anything but i feel so gross with this stupid square high hairline that i have to hide with a fringe ugh). being babytrans is extremely hard and i get it :( but yeah ig in the end it’s not as black and white as passing or suicide even if it rly seems viscerally like it sometimes. much luck with everything <3