it used to hurt me so bad that i wouldn’t get to be a woman that i was extremely suicidal to the point of almost attempting. now i know that’s not that much compared with what some ppl here have to deal with, but considering my life is ok outside of trannism it tells a lot about how horrible this condition is ig

i went through twink death and honestly i think i have a full blown trauma over it, to the point where my brain got affected with memory loss, dissociation and particularly very heavy breakdowns. i basically can’t rly think about it without crying. i still struggle a lot with that lost time that i spent watching my body distorting and then the years i spent trying to repair it

but now, days pass me by and i don’t feel so awful about being a faggot on estrogen. mostly. kinda. i think i resolved a lot of my dysphoria with the treatments i’ve had. moreover, i see some unfortunate looking cis women on the street and tbh i don’t particularly feel like i want their bodies more than mine

so then, what does it mean to me to be a woman? i feel like, even if being a hrtwink doesn’t feel too horrible, i still crave that social role. i don’t want to be 50 and still be a third gender thing, it doesn’t make fucking sense, and i’m already 26. and i crave all the clothes, the permission to be soft and feminine…

but the problem is not only passing or not; it’s still a huge one and i can’t rly see a woman in the mirror tbh, and i’m not sure if i will. it’s this dichotomy: should i keep living in this comfortable but kinda dissociative state, or should i honmode and face the consequences? dilemmas, dilemmas…