Keep flip flopping between wanting and being scared of SRS, keep thinking I’m a man and that being ok, keep noticing how my dysphoria is forced sometimes. Idk why I do this but I feel this need to.
I don’t hate HRT, I’m leaning positive on the changes but I just find it so strange why I want it. What even caused me to start and want to be a woman at 21?
There’s more detriment than benefit for me being a tranny so why do I want it? Maybe it’s because I found a community I love. Maybe this is all just OCD brainworms. Idfk anymore. Maybe it’s possible for me to cope as a man for the rest of my life. I was able to do it for nearly a decade and maybe I can do it again.
Feels like I don’t have enough dysphoria to validate transition for myself. Maybe it’s because I’m so emotionally inept and have trouble feeling literally anything genuine.
Anyone else like this?
Waow I basically have all the same thoughts written here. One thing I keep getting hung up on is I really do think I have a male brain but just happen to have dysphoria. I can’t really accept myself as a woman at all. And ik I’m only 2 months on e but like I still haven’t picked a name and don’t rlly plan to, and I misgender myself out of shame. At this point I’m pretty much just a man on estrogen. I don’t relate to the experiences of being a woman because I’m not a woman.
It seems like we had our troon thoughts at the exact same age, and I’m also puzzled as to why I’m even having them in this first place. Only questioning at 21 just feels so faketrans to me…
I’ve also had the exact same brainworms about maybe I just like having a community, maybe I just want to be special, maybe it’s just OCD and my brain is just hallucinating the dysphoria. I really do feel like if I were to get amnesia about all this and reset to a 19 year old, I could just be a man, albeit an extremely depressed, strange and socially awkward one that doesn’t really fit into any part of society.
And yeah of course I’ve also had the exact same feelings about not deservint hrt, not feeling like I can claim to be trans since my dysphoria isn’t bad enough and am malebrained, feeling like my transition isn’t warranted or justified or virtuous.
It does feel good that there’s another person I can relate to on this stuff because if one of us figures out the answer or reaches some sort of closure on the matter, then that can help the other person if that makes sense
Oh hey I remember you.
Yeah I find we have a lot in common.
A few questions:
- did you have any desires before 21? And if you did do you feel they were caused by something else and not significant?
- do you feel that you are just mentally stronger and can just handle dysphoria better and therefore you don’t have this burning need to transition?
- do you kinda freak out that you might be doing the wrong thing sometimes but don’t actually mind what it does overall?
Idk just some questions at the top of my head.
did you have any desires before 21? And if you did do you feel they were caused by something else and not significant?
I did have some desires when I was younger. I’m not sure how old I was because my memory is so hazy - maybe early puberty? I remember one vague instance of looking in the mirror and wishing I had a bigger butt and hips, and a slimmer waist. But even for memories like these, I’m not even totally sure they’re real (maybe I’m just hallucinating them). And I’m worried they were just driven by fetish. I had some borderline-sissy/agp thoughts and dreams early puberty, which heavily feeds into my shame and doubting about all of this just being a sissy fetish that I’m hiding from myself. If you want more information on this you can dm but I won’t put it here. I’m leaning toward this not being fetish-driven, well, because I’m not a sissy lol. I’ve seen sissy/drossdresser accounts on reddit and that’s just not me at all. But it’s still a worry that comes up, like maybe all of the troon thoughts are covertly motivated by fetish and my brain is like hiding the underlying reasons from me and giving itself dysphoria (idek).
do you feel that you are just mentally stronger and can just handle dysphoria better and therefore you don’t have this burning need to transition?
I think my brain is uniquely geared toward repressing. This is incredibly sad, but I’ve wasted the majority of my life kind of just distracting myself playing video games. I have probably 30 thousand hours of my childhood on various video games. I did virtually no introspection. I didn’t really think of myself as a person at all and didn’t question why I was so unhappy.
I guess as additional evidence for this, I’ve known that I was a bottom since like 12 years old at least, and somehow have repressed this all the way till now. I deeply repressed my attraction to guys (and still am tbf) and felt immense fear any time I had the thoughts. Like I literally remember having the thought when I was in middle school of “oh what the fuck, I think I really really like my guy friend.” And this made my face flush and I got incredibly scared and panicked, and then somehow didn’t have any thoughts like that ever again. They just disappeared from my mind.
Now I say all of this because, my environment is not the same. I’ve completely stopped playing video games and don’t watch any YouTube, and don’t consume any pornography. I’m also away from my high school friend group that would most likely kill me if they knew I was a tranny. So what I’m saying is, I have WAY fewer methods of escapism and repression than I did before. And because of that, I don’t think it will ever be possible to forget the can-of-worms that I’ve opened and just go back to not having troon thoughts at all. Maybe if I never had stopped my addictions to these escapist outlets I would’ve never questioned anything at all, and continued to live as a man until I John 50.
When I started questioning, I fell into an immense depression like I have never experienced before. I cried basically every night and wanted to kms very very badly, but estradiol seems to have calmed me, so I don’t have any plans for getting off estradiol
do you kinda freak out that you might be doing the wrong thing sometimes but don’t actually mind what it does overall?
Yes I freak out constantly that I’m doing the wrong thing. The main reason is that I don’t really feel like a woman. Like I said in the first comment, I feel like I’m some sort of fucked up male brain that happens to have body dysphoria, where I expect to have female sex characteristics even though I otherwise have a male brain. Because of this, the desire to change my sex characteristics far outweighs my desire to change my social behavior.
This makes me freak out because, what the fuck am I going to do when I can’t hide my breasts any more. I’ve never really been friends with women, so I don’t know how to act as a woman socially. And I don’t even know if I have a desire to act like a woman, socially. So while I like the effects of estradiol - breast growth, ED, smoother skin, reduced libido, and really do want to have the body of a woman - I feel like I’m constantly making a mistake because there’s a chance I won’t actually enjoy being a woman in practice (assuming I ever pass).
I’m actually frightened by how relatable this all sounds and how similar my background is. What the actual fuck? I think we are long lost siblings or cousins or some shit like that this is surreal. I can relate to almost everything you’ve said.
injecting e is literally just a fun silly thing it doesn’t have to be that deep and you don’t have to “deserve” it
I understand that but I don’t understand why I do it. That’s what I want to know, why do I feel the need to do this?
