I woke up today with a weird sense of clarity, like “what am I even doing here”. I keep questioning my identity and my decisions all the time, but sometimes, like today, it feels very visceral and I get a heavy sense of dread about making the wrong decision by trying to transition.

I just don’t see myself actually transitioning fully. I don’t voice train, I’m not publicly out, I haven’t changed my name and I probably never will, and I feel very detached from the trans community or experience in general. I don’t see myself as a woman. I don’t get any euphoria from imagining myself as one either, and being called one irl or having people use my name and she/her feels wrong and makes me uncomfortable.

I feel like my sense of gender is unfortunately a lot more complicated than if I was actually trvtrans, so I feel like it would be the better call to just stop and detrans.

Even 3 years into HRT, it doesn’t feel “right”. Nothing feels right, or real anymore. I can’t trust myself anymore. I keep dissociating and can’t really think or reflect about any of this because my thoughts just drift off and I lose focus whenever I try.