i’m not sure what i want. i decided to start medically transitioning before having fully committed to thinking of myself as male/trans, because well i wanted the effects of hrt and knowing that my body could still become more feminine as i was aging was making me go insane.

it’s really confusing - i will look at my face and feel glad it’s changing and think that it feels much better and more correct now. but the opposite happens too, i’ll catch a glimpse of myself and think ‘holy shit how am i so fucking ugly’. i just have these moments when i start questioning whether any of this is worth it. i feel like if i wanted to construct a narrative that i would enjoy being a girl, i could do that. but maybe that’s stupid, i remember i was miserable before hrt.

yeah i see what you mean with the questions … i guess most of my fears are because of external factors. but maybe all of these exernal factors are masking my reverse dysphoria? like i keep thinking about how being a tranny is social suicide and as a consequence of this i’m not focusing on the fact that i am just unconfortable being a guy. this is the hypothesis i’m working with rn. but idk maybe this is just my stupid cope to still hold onto the idea that i could be a normal person in some way

i probably won’t actually detrans, because that would make me have to deal with my body feminizing again and i cannot seem to be able to handle that. but yeah i might keep writing stuff like this, because i’m unsure and insecure