i keep thinking about it. i’m realizing how permanent my voice dropping is. it’s kinda freaking me out. and i’m not sure for how long i can hide it. voicetools thinks it’s in male range. that incel voice website thinks i’m a voicel but not the most cooked type of voicel. but no one has said anything to me irl about it. i have no fucking clue how people gender me and i’m trying to not use gendered bathrooms anymore, so i don’t freak people out in there
bruh why am i doing this again. i’m normal. i’m literally just so normal, i couldn’t be a tranny. maybe i’m fine being a girl. should i be concerned that every time i make a post it’s one of these detrans baity ones? maybe i am faketrans. like actually. like genuinely just cis
what emotions do you feel when you entertain the idea of detransing?
either horror or nothingness. but the nothingness is very relieving. but now, i feel like the horror is unjustified. it can’t be that bad. and holy shit it would be so much easier.
its not super uncommon for dysphoria to come in waves, and its unlikely those waves will stop coming if youre in these kind of communities.
the “nothingness” might be felt betwixt these waves. that being said, only you know how true my speculation may be.
i have these thoughts myself frequently:
“it would be so much simpler”
“i could avoid so much shame”
“maybe it will stop hurting if i just put this all behind me”
the idea of being free from it all sounds so nice, it really does. i get it.
do you want to actually stop transitioning, or do you just want the associated pain to stop? would you be able to forgive yourself if you let this go?
a thought exercise i like to employ is thinking about external vs internal motivators. if you did not have to worry about these things, would you still want to transition for yourself?:
- being seen as a third gender freak
- disappointing and/or losing friends/family
- how hard it may be to find love due to being a tranny
maybe youll the above helpful, maybe not.
regardless, internally it is still painful no matter what. the start of this path is infamously arduous.
unfortunately, unless its purely reverse dysphoria or external factors making things so painful, then immense pain likely signals your heart really does care about it working out.
i’m not sure what i want. i decided to start medically transitioning before having fully committed to thinking of myself as male/trans, because well i wanted the effects of hrt and knowing that my body could still become more feminine as i was aging was making me go insane.
it’s really confusing - i will look at my face and feel glad it’s changing and think that it feels much better and more correct now. but the opposite happens too, i’ll catch a glimpse of myself and think ‘holy shit how am i so fucking ugly’. i just have these moments when i start questioning whether any of this is worth it. i feel like if i wanted to construct a narrative that i would enjoy being a girl, i could do that. but maybe that’s stupid, i remember i was miserable before hrt.
yeah i see what you mean with the questions … i guess most of my fears are because of external factors. but maybe all of these exernal factors are masking my reverse dysphoria? like i keep thinking about how being a tranny is social suicide and as a consequence of this i’m not focusing on the fact that i am just unconfortable being a guy. this is the hypothesis i’m working with rn. but idk maybe this is just my stupid cope to still hold onto the idea that i could be a normal person in some way
i probably won’t actually detrans, because that would make me have to deal with my body feminizing again and i cannot seem to be able to handle that. but yeah i might keep writing stuff like this, because i’m unsure and insecure
emotionally it can get pretty complicated.
this can be especially true when your body becomes this odd mix of sexual dimorphic traits. if i look at the breasts im developing without really looking at the rest of my body, it makes me smile. i like it. when i view my whole body along with my breast, i think that same thing: “holy fuck im so ugly”.
navigating it all its incredibly hard, and theres much to think about. with T theres a more permanent effect as well, which can definitely make things more distressing.
it isnt uncommon to feel a bit at a loss regarding what your heart really wants. i agree that writing and talking about these things can really help. thats why i have both a journal and a video diary. i recommend starting a journal if you dont have one already.
do what feels right, stay true to yourself, and im sure everything will be just fine <3
