and it’s because im an actual hulking brick barnhouse and I’m deeply deeply jealous of the average trans woman and how they will likely make it and I just wont in a million years, I wish I could be murdered in a hate crime. I’m sorry for making this post. I don’t know what to do I’m actually going insane with dysphoria. I wish I killed myself decades ago. I can’t go on any other spaces and talk about this, I feel like im hiding a deep dark secret that is slowly killing me, I don’t feel safe around other trans people and never have, I only feel coldness. it’s not their fault, it’s mine and the decisions I made that lead me here.
It’s so hard carrying the misery at a higher age, and it can feel very easy to slip into the crushing isolation of peerlessness. And the failed efforts at belonging only increase that feeling of being alone.
What would you need from a trans community to feel safe within it?
I think partially the reason I feel the way if I’m being honest is I think I might have been sexually assaulted by a trans woman and don’t really want to admit it to myself emotionally, i’m not sure if it’s that. I think unfortunately the only person who could save me is a surgeon who knows what they’re doing in regards to shoulder reduction, like if that doesn’t get addressed I’ll probably rot in some capacity. I think the trans community is fine, it doesn’t really help have conversations about dysphoria but the only solution to dysphoria are better surgeries really so there’s not much said there.
I’m not really sure if I blend in/pass per say but I know when I take my clothes off what is in the mirror is grotesque and horrid and brick like objectively, never been gendered female so far outside of getting called honey once by some random man but I avoid the outside world alot of times, but being referred to by “guys” when im with my bf doesn’t seem to point to it looking hopeful.
I am very sorry to hear that you may have been assaulted and are still not in a place of certainty or security there, and it absolutely makes sense that this could be involved in your feelings. I think outside of surgery, having some kind of way of processing this could be helpful, like I know therapists get a justifiably bad reputation, but a good one can possibly help with this.
And yeah, when facing this kind of thing where it’s like, you know you need surgery and no amount of words can change that, then any kind of discussion around all the misery can feel inadequate and like it doesn’t really do anything.
I think there can still be value in having something social with other trans people where you can just exist without feeling grotesque. Tttt spaces are kind of fucking terrible for that because all the self hate from people can end up making you feel this way. But it’s possible to connect with people thru these spaces and then build a distinct friend group that then pulls away and becomes something healthier. And other kinds of outcomes. I hope you can find something like that, because even with these features that make you so dysphoric, these terrible things are not true about you.