Idk if it’s biochemical or maybe I’m just worried subconsciously, but ever since starting hrt (18 days) I’ve became more anxious consistently. When I’m non dysphoric I just feel like maybe I should stop. But then dysphoria hits and I’m glad to be on hrt and everything. Why is my mind so cruel? Can it just decide on what the hell it wants? I’m so scared of change, yet if I don’t, I know that I’ll suffer and regret. Could this be pseudodysphoria ocd or something?
Yeah I know that. But why am I so scared? Without an internal motivator of suffering, the external pressure is big enough to paralyze me
I mean I don’t rly know your situation or anything so I can’t speak on that.
It’s not exactly as strong as feeling it in the current moment, but how would remembering how bad t was for you when you were still pre e? When you look at all the damage that was done to you, and how you felt living in a t dominated body, would you be fine with going back to that and it becoming worse? Or do you want to prevent it from happening any more than it already has?
I want to prevent the damage at all cost, at least when I’m feeling dysphoric. But e turns me into a being which society doesn’t respect. I wish that I could just be a woman. And I wish that I could split my moid brain from my foid brain and give them both their own bodies. I can’t lie, there’s still a part of me deep inside that thinks being a moid is cool and idolizes certain masculine traits. What I’d describe myself as, is a skinwalker of personality. Once I idealize something deeply, I want to become it. Really I’m just a skinwalker. That is what I am.