Idk if it’s biochemical or maybe I’m just worried subconsciously, but ever since starting hrt (18 days) I’ve became more anxious consistently. When I’m non dysphoric I just feel like maybe I should stop. But then dysphoria hits and I’m glad to be on hrt and everything. Why is my mind so cruel? Can it just decide on what the hell it wants? I’m so scared of change, yet if I don’t, I know that I’ll suffer and regret. Could this be pseudodysphoria ocd or something?
I want to prevent the damage at all cost, at least when I’m feeling dysphoric. But e turns me into a being which society doesn’t respect. I wish that I could just be a woman. And I wish that I could split my moid brain from my foid brain and give them both their own bodies. I can’t lie, there’s still a part of me deep inside that thinks being a moid is cool and idolizes certain masculine traits. What I’d describe myself as, is a skinwalker of personality. Once I idealize something deeply, I want to become it. Really I’m just a skinwalker. That is what I am.