I am trying to become what I actually desire and me being envious of her is just a displacement of my actual heterosexual attraction towards her because I feel unsafe in expressing it…
If I simply express that attraction and learn that I am enough as a heterosexual man then I will actually be okay… Transition is a pathological fix for a problem that exists because I am afraid of failing as a heterosexual man when in reality I can succed at being a heterosexual man… Transition is an escape from pain.
The pain of rejection and inadequacy but maybe I am and can be enough as a man and never should have doubted that…
She is beautiful, gorgeous, smart, well spoken and really cool person… Truthfully, I will never be a woman and never will be able to achieve being like her because quite frankly there is no sense in attempting such nonsense…
I can love this woman… she is beautiful and my envy or desire to be a women and embody traits she has is just my attempt to aquire what is beautiful and what I love without the risk of getting hurt. It is a bargain for heterosexual love but without the actual relationship to a woman. And that not only wont work but it fundamentally makes me lonely and seperated.
It feels like transition for me is a pathological attempt to satisfiy a need for heterosexual love by becoming the object of desire instead of entering a relationship with tthe object of desire. Like I am stuck in a developemntally stuntend autosexual stage of maturation due to a fear of failure with regards to heterosexual realtionships. It is not transformation.
It is an escape from pain for me
THIS IS WRONG. TRANSITION WONT FIX ME. IT’S AN ATTEMPT TO FIX WHAT ISNT BROKEN. I COULD BE A SUCCESFULL HETEROSEXUAL MAN. MY DESIRE TO TRANSITION IS SIMPLY MY FEAR OF NOT FINDING LOVE.
I am not saying this in a self hating fashion. This is a realisation.
Why be a failed gay male pretending to be a woman when I can become a succesfful straight man accepting that I am a man and loving a woman…
But if having money feels impossible due to trauma then maybe one feels like the only way to have money is to become money and so one does that to feel the warmth of having money via proxy… instead of healing the trauma and then actually having money instead of being it
im sorry you feel like you cant have a girlfriend as a man, i dont even know how thats possible, what happened to you?
Trauma and isolation during puberty, like extreme sexual trauma due to addiction and feelings of self disgust and ostracisation… and feelings of male inferiority from the abuse of my hypermasculine angry father…
your feelings of self disgust are tied to being male, so isnt that a justified reason to transition? wont it remove the feelings of disgust?
No, my feelings of self disgust where due to sexual shame due to my parents abusing me with regards to masturbation when I entered puberty. I felt ashamed and disgusted for being a sexual being
so you mean by transitioning into a woman, its like acquiring a woman without being a sexual being? i guess it makes sense, but it wouldnt be like a real relationship, it would just be you and yourself, so it wouldnt count. how would you even convince yourself to transition for this goal? its way to extreme. this is probably not the real reason you want to transition
it is more like literally love of myself as a woman due to feeling like that is the only way I can love a woman… so literally autogynephilia in the sense that due to trauma, I cannot feel safe or confident enough to have a relationship and so instead I want to become a woman to satisfy that need for love… it is autosexuality instead of relational sexuality.
then, you shouldnt transition, you should just be a heterosexual man and not be ashamed of having a romantic relationship, because relationships arent that sexual, kissing and flirting and stuff are far removed from masturbation.