I was feeling so much pain today, that near a crosswalk an intrusive though came into my mind. I extremely vividly imagined running onto the street and getting hit by a car. My body felt like I had to do it, but my mind was rational.
When my dysphoria is this strong, it genuinely feels like I’m losing sanity and becoming insane. I wonder if at some point something is going to snap in me. Idk this disease is just progressing further and further. I wonder if hrt is actually going to make me feel better in the long run. I need to work on my mental too, delude myself further, full time honfidence not partial. Because somehow some passoids can feel just as miserable, meanwhile hons can be happy. It is all in the head. Hell made by my own mind. Are brainworms really worth it? 3 months ago by coming here I made a pact, which the price of I underestimated.
omg this is so real🫂 and oftentimes it feels like this desperation caused by dysphoria is the only human emotion you ever feel. every time I strat to get sad, I try to amplify it with music and by repeating phrases that I know for a fact will get me crying. i know that it’s incredibly destructive but I prefer this over being numb, I want to experience things. at this point even being in public doesn’t stop me, like I broke down crying in a half full train last friday. I feel like at some point I’m gonna snap, and I fear this so much. this is so weird, like I know hrt made my existence so much more bearable but I almost never had these moments before starting.
Music, especially harsh music gives me emotional relief. I can direct emotions onto something else. Today it forgot my headphones and I had to be alone with my thoughts. Horrible. But yeah I sometimes also like to amplify my suffering, when it feels right enough. Idk why tho. But when I feel genuinely horrible I want it to end. I’m not really depressed tho, I’m not that numb. I’d say it either is dysphoria or dysphoria accelerated by potential bpd.