Like i said, hit or miss for strangers. Some of my cis girl friends i have been friends with since before transitioning (only friend who kinda ghosted me after transitioning was a cis guy but it wasn’t just for being trans). But most women im friends with now are trans or queer. Depends on the day and who I’m talking with/around but i can usually hold my own in a conversation pretty well but do still TMI about trans/queer stuff sometimes when attempting to be relatable or honest. Just kinda slips out and I don’t realize til after the fact. I also had quite a few close girl friends before transitioning, so i was already used to interacting with them most my life one way or another. It definitely helped once i started transitioning having that exposure/experience which i know not everyone gets
oh i see that’s pretty good that you at least feel comfortable around some strangers. was there a certain point where you started to feel more normal or has it always been like that?
Hmm good question, lemme think… Okay, longwinded infodump incoming, tl;dr at the bottom (sorry, lol).
It’s not a black and white feeling, more grey and depends on the day usually. Probably always felt a bit different for lack of a better word, like there were parts of my personality and stuff I’d keep hidden, and i often drank to feel my emotions and occasionally would drunkenly admit to wishing i was a girl or jealous of them or wishing i could make out with my guy friends, all while i was cishet and dating women at the time. I consciously repressed and didn’t pursue certain things, activities, or desires for certain reasons I won’t gwt into, tho being trans had never crossed my mind bc I didn’t know much about what it meant back then even tho I’d had thoughts of wanting to be a girl most my life; i had no realistic or positive representation and just thought “i was born a guy and therefore i am one, oh well i guess make the most of it”. The drinking got out of control and i eventually stopped. That’s when i started learning about what being trans meant and exploring gender stuff and realized i was probably trans. I feel weirder now bc of being so immersed in trans and queer subcultures and friend groups, like less connected to mainstream society, but still have strands of my previous life/self that don’t fit neatly into them (my therapist recently told me they think i might be autistic but idk). so i keep those parts suppressed now instead or only engage in private lol (have to do with what i studied/special interests). I’d say i feel normal in the sense of being able to have “normal” conversations with cishet people, but still feel uncomfortable if they come across as people who don’t “buy into” or are actively antagonistic towards all the trans and gender stuff. Usually with those I’ll try to find a mainstream topic i know a bit about to keep the subject off of me and my appearance, or just not engage with them to begin with if possible.
tl;dr: never really went away, rather it changes in the way it manifests. Some days i feel confident and hot, others i feel disgusting and like i stand out like a sore thumb. Some days i can talk to anybody, others i can barely look my friends in the eyes without feeling shame or lesser. So i guess I don’t necessarily feel more “normal” anymore bc the longer i live the more i realize there is no universal normal. Instead i just feel more comfortable with my choices with how i live and am more willing to accept the consequences of those choices even when i know they aren’t the best decision i could make.
that makes sense! it’s definitely situational and sometimes it’s hard to tell if u actually feel normal or if u were just better at faking it at that moment.
weren’t your friends strangers before though? i only have 1 cis friend and i can’t rly make new ones bc of how awkward i feel around them
Like i said, hit or miss for strangers. Some of my cis girl friends i have been friends with since before transitioning (only friend who kinda ghosted me after transitioning was a cis guy but it wasn’t just for being trans). But most women im friends with now are trans or queer. Depends on the day and who I’m talking with/around but i can usually hold my own in a conversation pretty well but do still TMI about trans/queer stuff sometimes when attempting to be relatable or honest. Just kinda slips out and I don’t realize til after the fact. I also had quite a few close girl friends before transitioning, so i was already used to interacting with them most my life one way or another. It definitely helped once i started transitioning having that exposure/experience which i know not everyone gets
oh i see that’s pretty good that you at least feel comfortable around some strangers. was there a certain point where you started to feel more normal or has it always been like that?
Hmm good question, lemme think… Okay, longwinded infodump incoming, tl;dr at the bottom (sorry, lol).
It’s not a black and white feeling, more grey and depends on the day usually. Probably always felt a bit different for lack of a better word, like there were parts of my personality and stuff I’d keep hidden, and i often drank to feel my emotions and occasionally would drunkenly admit to wishing i was a girl or jealous of them or wishing i could make out with my guy friends, all while i was cishet and dating women at the time. I consciously repressed and didn’t pursue certain things, activities, or desires for certain reasons I won’t gwt into, tho being trans had never crossed my mind bc I didn’t know much about what it meant back then even tho I’d had thoughts of wanting to be a girl most my life; i had no realistic or positive representation and just thought “i was born a guy and therefore i am one, oh well i guess make the most of it”. The drinking got out of control and i eventually stopped. That’s when i started learning about what being trans meant and exploring gender stuff and realized i was probably trans. I feel weirder now bc of being so immersed in trans and queer subcultures and friend groups, like less connected to mainstream society, but still have strands of my previous life/self that don’t fit neatly into them (my therapist recently told me they think i might be autistic but idk). so i keep those parts suppressed now instead or only engage in private lol (have to do with what i studied/special interests). I’d say i feel normal in the sense of being able to have “normal” conversations with cishet people, but still feel uncomfortable if they come across as people who don’t “buy into” or are actively antagonistic towards all the trans and gender stuff. Usually with those I’ll try to find a mainstream topic i know a bit about to keep the subject off of me and my appearance, or just not engage with them to begin with if possible.
tl;dr: never really went away, rather it changes in the way it manifests. Some days i feel confident and hot, others i feel disgusting and like i stand out like a sore thumb. Some days i can talk to anybody, others i can barely look my friends in the eyes without feeling shame or lesser. So i guess I don’t necessarily feel more “normal” anymore bc the longer i live the more i realize there is no universal normal. Instead i just feel more comfortable with my choices with how i live and am more willing to accept the consequences of those choices even when i know they aren’t the best decision i could make.
that makes sense! it’s definitely situational and sometimes it’s hard to tell if u actually feel normal or if u were just better at faking it at that moment.