For context I’m 22 so this is a long time ago for me now, and being so removed from it leads me to ask some questions, and I still am yet to figure out answers to them
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I think seeing myself as a man ever, is stupid… like omg I didn’t even make it through puberty, and I already knew that this is not the role I’d play in society so I didn’t really end up socializing as such I think… I mean even though I only started HRT at 19, it’s still so different…
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I hate how conservative media is fetishizing trans people, I mean, especially because they tend to gravitate towards late transitioners, and it’s weird hearing that rhetoric and applying it to myself at 13, a 13yo as a sex object is so icky and disgusting, and I don’t think that’s really in the realm of 13yo in a way… sure they’re discovering their sexuality, but even then it’s not… idk
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How do people repress… idk… just never understood that… like what you just… try not to think about it… for years… I can’t not think about it for a week, and I’m on HRT and transitioning, idk I can’t imagine it otherwise
Speaking from a USA perspective here, born 1985 realized 1996 transitioned 2022
So with repressing, you have to understand that the prospect of getting access to transition care seemed so daunting. There wasn’t really DIY and the official channels were heavily gatekept, with unreasonable demands about a year of real life experience (honmoding with no hrt) before they give it to you. It became easy to think that it just wasn’t going to happen for you, especially when you consider that health insurance was so much shittier in the past.
And then all the trans women you’d see would be the hsts stereotypes. It was easy to think that this could never happen for you, that you weren’t the type of person who did this.
And then, as care becomes more accessible, maybe you think “well it’s too late for me, this is just something other people get to do” and maybe you manage some stretches without thinking about it. Drinking helped. But there’s always a breaking point.
I see, this all makes sense, yeah, maybe I would’ve done the same if 13yo me didn’t go down a rabbit hole of figuring out how she’d best be able to get towards transitioning, I mean it’s part of why I was only able to access it at 19, is because I think DIY really blew up as an option around then, but prior it was really difficult to talk about…
Although now that in the US access has been incredibly easy, I don’t fully understand why and how people still do the last part, like especially people my age… idk, just feel like I wanna help my friends but… it’s very overwhelming to try coax people into not repping…
Sorry for the 4am ramble btw, just imagining what my life could’ve been like as I try close my eyes
It is scary to consider how some real fucking terrible fates are a product of bad luck and suffering. There is always so much degradation and punishment in the world from people who want to send a message to anyone watching about why you shouldn’t be a tranny. Sometimes the message is even for the perpetrator. It’s tough.
They have to believe they have a future in this, that they can do it. They have to see how their life won’t be unsalvagable.
I like ot imagine they life as salvageable as any, I don’t know how or why, but I always imagine everyone succeeding in transition, no matter when they start, I honestly may be a bit naïve in this, but I think that no transition is impossible, and doomed to “manmode”
This is just a quirk of my desire for everything to always work out, so I imagine everyone achieving their dreams and self-realizing… and this is kinda what makes me a bit anxious about people repping maybe…
Ok so lets say you have a shitty life but you have some ways to cope. And there’s something that might make your life not shitty. But it will make your life shitty in other ways. And it may be harder to find ways to cope.
What people can’t understand until they experience it themselves is that the copes stop working and also you go insane. But I can’t blame them, since I am one of those people.
