I used to think a lot about whether I was trutrans or faketrans, but I think now that it doesn’t really matter. I think the only thing that really matters is if you will be happier after your transition, and usually that relies heavily upon if you’ll pass, atleast for those in tttt spaces. For happiness, I think being a woman would be better in terms of social role, expectations, freedom of expression, etc…
For passing potential, I don’t have it. At best I might be a twinkhon; something clocky anyway. This basically means there’s no point. Many of you have debilitating dysphoria, but in my case, transitioning is more of an escapist fantasy, so i have to weigh the pros/cons when thinking of making this fantasy come true.
I’ve watched a few detranner interviews on youtube; one detranner talked a lot about wanting to be someone else, and having a lot of self hate. Another one got a gf and that basically fixed him - he was like ‘wtf am i doing’ to himself and basically just stopped taking hrt (he only took it for a week lol).
Maybe many of you can’t relate but I think that’s my issue, just a bunch of self hate, and wanting this to be the thing that fixes me, that gives me confidence in myself, that gives me acceptance from others (lgbt spaces), that makes me attractive/pretty after being ugly for so long etc… which is why it’s an escapist fantasy.
I think the fact that im rogd and have agp tendencies also make it harder to believe this is the right choice for me. I just don’t want to have the responsibilities of being a man, and am running from it through transition.
So basically I think I’m just an AGP male, and that there are many more cons than pros for someone like me. I think that if I had a chance of passing, I would probably take HRT, since both conditions would be fulfilled, but I don’t, and I think that living as a hon would only make things worse for me. This is probably the most important thing imo. dysphoria + passing potential = hrt. If either are missing, it’ll just be miserable.
Of course, if i had no family, i could maybe indulge in my agp fantasies and maybe even stomach living as an andro/twinkhon by taking hrt since id have nothing to lose, but that’s not really possible. And I think that says a lot. I can only truly consider transitioning if I am already at rock bottom and i have nothing to lose.
Besides, I don’t hate being a man, and my want for being a woman is also quite shallow and mostly stems from my failure to be a man, which is probably also misogynistic. Therefore repping makes sense, and controlling my agp fantasies with outlets such as crossdressing or shaving would do me well.
It may be miserable in its own way, but it is much more manageable, saves face, and is easier.
holy sloppost lol
You are making a mistake. Please please please take HRT at the very least. You might think you can keep it under control for now but the weight of a lifetime of repression is too much for anyone to bear. I have been in your position and I too made up so many justifications for why I am actually faketrans or whatever. Stop berating yourself in your head and doing mental gymnastics. Stop consuming detrans content. Go outside, make some friends. Go to a local queer scene if you have to. You say you would transition if you were at rock bottom. I GUARANTEE you are already closer than you think. Don’t wait longer than you have to, get on HRT NOW.
I have trouble being authentic so i struggle making friends. I have considered hrt repping but it will come out at some point and i am not ready for it. I wont ever be. I would be discarded by the only people in my life.
I just cant see myself happy as a hon either. Itll ruin my ability ro rep too, so leave me with only a disgraceful suicide then. Its easier to rep.
Have you considered that part of the reason why you struggle to be authentic is because you are hiding an extremely important and fundamental part of your personhood? Repping kills the soul in this way. I understand the fear of losing everyone in your life, I really do. However if they were all to cut you off it would hurt, but you would move on. If you stay as you are, you continue to suffer the pain of them potentially leaving you for the rest of your life. It is better to endure a great but shorter-lasting pain than it is to suffer through a lifetime of humiliation and misery caused by never being yourself. Even if you think transition may lead you to suicide, repping WILL take you there as well. It is better to at least try. Listen to yourself talk, you are upset because the only choice left to you would be a disgraceful suicide. This is the talk of a dishonoured Samurai in his last moments, not the words of someone who can happily rep for the rest of their life. Accept that things are already near rock bottom and take action before it is too late.
