I love living my HRT repping life. I was forced by my cister to go to something with a lot of her friends and I got the great experience of feeling like the creepy male that I look like until I left 5 minutes in. Why couldn’t I have just been a gay man instead I have to be some transvestic asexual fuck.

I also drove some trans girl home who needed a ride from college and of course since I am a 1 month HRT fat chud fuck I did not even think about telling her that I am trans. I keep thinking about how it would have been great if I could have been far enough along in my transition where it would be normal to tell her but I am a 25 year old man trying to learn to approximate a woman from 500 yards I might as well be a fucking sissy.

My now previous best friend who I got outed to now has decided that he thinks its weird that I am trying to transition and has effectively stopped talking to me. I swear if I had not been outed only a month in and maybe if I had told him in a couple years he would have accepted it but with me just being some fat male fuck there was no way he ever could have.

I need to keep losing weight I haven’t really lost any in 3-4 weeks. I know what has happened I literally have just been eating too much I am a fat fuck who can’t stop eating. What am I going to do when I get to a healthy weight in another 60-80 lbs my BMR will be such that if I did something like this I would gain weight not just stay stagnant. I just want to have never gained this fucking weight I hate my body so much I don’t know if I can ever come to be happy with myself. I don’t want to be worried about reaching for something and my inevitably flabby destroyed skin on my stomach from all this gluttony be revealed to anyone nearby. Its not just going to be my stomach its going to be my legs too I don’t wear shorts already because I look so disgusting in them but even once I lose weight my legs will become masses of flabby skin. I will never get to be skinny I will never get to be happy with my body I am just going to have to learn to accept that I have ruined my body and even losing weight will never fix it.

I just want to have people to talk to who I relate to but I am just some stupid asexual chud who thinks that it can become female. I just need to be skinny so I can feel like I could possibly be female I can’t be fat anymore. Also I get that I am complaining about being fat I am complaining about being 5 foot 8 and 225 lbs also known as a BMI of 34. I tell people that I don’t have a goal weight for some reason but there would be no point in posting here if I wasn’t honest. I want to reach 139 lbs one day that is my goal I don’t want to become underweight I just want to be just below halfway of the normal BMI and I think I will finally feel good then. If I could just feel light and like I am not torturing any chair I sit in I will finally be happy honestly I don’t even care about passing as much as that at this point. I don’t care if I am disgusting looking I can just disassociate in the mirror like I have been my entire life. If I can just feel better when I am sitting alone with all my inevitable loose skin covered up thats what I need. I don’t need to be naked for anyone I don’t need to have anyone ogling my body I just need to feel like the wind could pick me up and take me to a place where I won’t hate my life every moment of the day.